Heartbroken and Struggling - Part 3

[SteveLW]

In these sitches, the discovery of an affair post BD is kind of like the scariness of dihydrogen monoxide.

If told you dihydrogen monoxide was everywhere in our world, you would probably be terrified. What is this chemical with the scary sounding name? How can I avoid it. What does its presence mean for me?

That is how we are when we find out WAS is in an affair. At first it might just be the ILYBNILWY bomb. We turn our behavior around, become changed spouses, do everything we think is right. Then find out there is an OP. And we freak.

Just like if we hear that we are surrounded by the chemical dihydrogen monoxide.

The problem. Both are all in our head. If I write the chemical symbol for dihydrogen monoxide it becomes clearer: H2O

That's right, the chemical with the scary sounding name is water. And just like water being harmless (unless you are drowning of course) the A your spouse is in does not matter. At least from a DBing standpoint. You should still be GAL, 180ing, and detaching.

I am even to the point of whether there is an affair or not, you should keep the MBR. The WAS should always be the one to sleep elsewhere if they so choose. Some will argue, and I can't really argue against it, that you should also kick the cheating spouse out of the MBR. But that can be legally thorny. So my stance is, to not leave the MBR. If the cheating spouse decides to do so, then so be it. But just because you share a bed with a cheating spouse doesn't mean you agree with their actions. So I think each situation is different. Most cheating spouses out of shame and guilt will leave the MBR when asked.

So Destroyd, your W's EA is not end of the world. She was a WAS before you knew about the EA and is still one after. Just keep DBing.