After all H has put me through, I still believe there is some good in him somewhere. I believe that he has a conscience that will at some point step up and rattle him just enough to care at least somewhat. I think that optimism that H is not a complete alien monster is what keeps me holding on. Perhaps I am naive and he has been a bad person pretending to be good for the past 20 years. I just find that hard to believe. Or perhaps he has just lost the good over time and developed into this terrible, selfish person. Only time will tell, I guess.
There's a reason most people talk about the alien/stranger analogy here. The person you're dealing with is not your H. You have to stop trying to dissect who he really is from his current behavior. Like all people he is both a good and a terrible human being. Our choices are what determines how much of each we are. In either case he's in crisis and humans in a constant state of fight or flight do strange things. They working on our most basic animalistic functions. Brains in crisis don't function with morals or values. They function on survival. They don't process information the same. They don't worry about the emotional welfare of others. It is possible he'll never snap out of this that doesn't mean he is or was a terrible person. It's possible this is only temporary and that doesn't mean he was a terrible person for a little while but was always good at the core. You have to work to understand where he's at, even if he can't reciprocate. You have to start working towards meeting him where he's at because he's not going to wake up magically one day and meet you where you're at. If and when he starts coming to the other side it's a long process. A lot of push pull from what I've been reading. A lot of this horrible version rearing it's ugly head unexpectedly, and then swinging back until they are fully ready to R. This is a marathon not a sprint. Pushing your expectations and morals and definitions on him in this situation aren't going to help you in the long run. His behavior is about him. Not you. It's never been about you. No matter what has come out of his mouth about that. You have to keep this saying in mind "hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people." You guys are both on a journey. Both bumpy, both difficult, and while parallel they are two totally different paths. You gotta start worrying more about the directions and obstacles of your path through this and a lot less about what his path means.
Originally Posted by HesAble
I have got to come up with some GAL ideas for the weekend. I plan to get my nails done for one thing. I may plan a spa-at-home evening with wine, a good book, a facial mask, candlelit bath, and body scrub. I did a facial mask a few days ago and it felt amazing! Maybe I will go to a movie with the kids too.
These are all good and amazing things. I'm so proud that you are jumping into some self care with force. You deserve it.
