So the R talks that I thought I wanted I don't know that I want them any more. I want to go back to avoiding each other. How do I do that? Lol. My daughter was giving me trouble this morning. She's been very moody lately. She insists its not what's going on in our house, and she's being a snot with her boyfriend and her bff too, so I think she's just kinda being a not super fun person right now. Every one should have teenage girls they're amazing. I texted H that he may not care but I wanted him to know that my insistence to take the girls to school instead of him today and me being crabby this morning had nothing to do with him. That I wanted to discuss my daughter's issue further. And she was frustrating me. We talked about her for a while. And I told him I appreciate him letting me vent and listening. His response was I'm not the sh**ty person you think I am. I know my wrongs here. And I've apologized and will keep apologizing. No matter what, I'm always going to be here to listen to you and to support you with D17. I just bawled at my desk. It's so much harder when he's human. I sent him a long message. Maybe too long. Basically saying, I never thought you were a terrible person. You're a good person who made terrible choices. I've told you that. And nothing about that has changed.I just don't know how we fit into each other's lives right now, and this is complicated messy territory, that I don't know how to navigate. So I kept you out because that was easier to deal with the hurt. Now us being strangers hurts more. So I don't know. He sent back I'm not sure how to respond to that, but just know I'm always here to listen to you if you need me, especially when it comes to D17.
I don't know why this convo has me so broken up. It wasn't about any new information or particularly devastating info. Maybe because of my fear about him and my D losing their relationship. H is her dad for all intents and purposes. Her bio dad's parents and the money the state sends me from his paychecks are really her only connection to that other guy. Maybe because it makes me miss him or my old life more. Maybe because I feel like all these R talks are because we both know he's going in April for sure and because we're functioning on his accelerated I got run from my misery time line it's all getting piled on, quickly after a month of silence. I have no idea really, but I can't get myself together like at all. Why does him being nice and supportive affect me so much??
