Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

I agree with your coach, and am proud of you as well. Facing fears head on. Well done.

I believe he muted any feelings for me right away... I guess it's more accurate to say, sometimes I worry he will be able to do that forever. Or I will be muted for so long these feelings will cease to exist. But as I type that, I also recognize it as a fear and not a belief.

H didn’t mute his feelings right away. A person enters their crisis with a triggering event, which awakens long ago, unrealized, and unknown trauma(s). The now surfacing unyielding emotions of these past experiences will torment the MLCer, while remaining unrealized and unknown to the suffer. It is such a state of confusion (my XW actual thought she was going crazy).

The trigger happens about 18-24 months before BD. During that time the person’s crisis builds and builds. They try to ignore, rationalize, and compartmentalize to no avail. They start to blame others, still blind to the true cause boiling and hidden deep within themselves. The LBS gets the brunt of this irrational blast. The MLCer cannot handle what’s going on in themselves, so they have to project and blame someone else. Remember someone in a position of authority caused such a trauma to them in their young years, and they cannot face it. Deep inside they internalized and blamed themselves, and need to grow from that.

Your H started muting his feelings for you long before BD. And not knowingly.

It is normal to worry about how long the MLCer will remain running and those feelings remain buried under all that justification. Is he able to do it forever? It’s not so much his abilities or how long he can do it - for a good portion he is driven to this extreme and is beyond can or can’t, will or wont. The length of his crisis is not in his conscious control.

You wisely see the normal fear response to this.

But as I type that, I also recognize it as a fear and not a belief.

Fear can be a belief. Fear can become a belief.

If one reinforces their fear enough it will be believed.

Nice to see you separating and rationalizing the two.


I liked your dream.

It was full of wonderful dream imagery and logic: his face was not his face but a drawing of his face.

Imagery and logic.

Working on understanding and finding compassionate indifference.

The MLCer, they are a mask, a facade, of an empty hollow shell. Look beyond his paper like outer projected strength, for underneath is a lost and scared little boy simultaneously lashing out and cowering.

I'm trying to decide what I'd like to do for myself on Valentine's Day. We never made a big deal out of the day, but H was always way more romantic than I was. I will miss his little gestures next week. No good movies playing! A dark theater and popcorn sounds kind of good though, so I might cave and see something anyway. I did buy a vase I've been eyeing for flowers.

Go see a movie.

Maybe if H asks, or if you want, invite him along. If he says no, no big deal, you still go.

If vs when. Hope vs expectation.

One’s mind is always listening, how and what we say has incremental impacts which accumulate and yield big results.

When you go to the movie you will have a good time.

If H comes along, good. If he doesn’t, that’s good too.

You are doing very well.

DnJ