Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 7

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Yes I've started a list - men like lists!

I agree that W has has been putting herself first above the M/R, and certainly has been told this by others. As you say, the message is being reinforced and planted in people's minds everywhere: when things get tough, quit and run away rather than braving the problem.

This is not to say I have not been selfish either. I have, in that I kept my problems hidden, didn't open up, and just did the NGS thing of doing the same thing unchanged for years and simply expecting it to work out by itself without any significant effort on my part. Much like the cheeseless tunnel analogy in DR.

However, one of my 180s has been to address this. IC took 6 months and we did lots of in depth analysis about how I was brought up, learned behaivour, how I interact with others/how I think they view me, past R dynamics, my M, etc. Lots of light bulbs were switched on towards the end of last year, which explained a lot.

Main weakness was feeling that I had to be perfect all the time, having grown up feeling that way, and not be seen to be fallible or doing things wrong. So when I did do things wrong, W would really be angry with me (even minor things) as if I'd totally let her down. I felt I couldn't tell W my problems or the fact that I disliked how some of her friends or family would treat her. She just put up with it, or would moan but then stop talking about it quickly.
Unfortunately I knew nothing of validation so looking back I don't think I helped much at all.

My IC made me realise I had been very stressed and depressed. Depressed because I hadn't really achieved my main aspirations and had to 'settle' for a job in a sector that I didn't have passion for like my other creative role. Felt I'd let everyone down. Felt I wasn't making as much money as the other men in W's family (they're all richer and more scientifically minded). Jealousy I guess. How silly. Always felt that her parents felt I wasn't pushing myself; I don't think that's right because they were always very pleasant to me and were very kind; never had any problems with in-laws.

My online addiction had manifested itself as a kind of reaction to that - something so far removed from who I really am as a person that it allowed me to conceal the issue further. I'd feel negative, suppress the emotions, they built up, I retreat into the addiction world, temporary release from stress/depression, then go back to normal life This is 'Reconstitution' as my IC put it, which can be very quick or very slow depending on the person. For me it was very quick.

Less of an issue now - I love my job, my coworkers are nice people, and my boss constantly praises me, so I have loyalty there. Plus I still make time for my creative stuff in the evenings and weekends, so I get the best of both worlds.

I had not really felt stress before so didn't know what it really was, because I wasn't outwardly showing everyone I was stressed. But it showed itself in other ways - I had severe psoriasis on my scalp for the last 5/6 years, some of my stubble hair fell out (alopecia), and then grew back a long time later, this time with white hairs. Another feature was I became introverted to an even greater degree, not disclosing my thoughts or worries to W, my family or friends for years (W would always say, "You don't say any words!" and say this in front of others when we were out, which upset me). As my W was so open about her problems to all and sundry, I felt I could't tell her I had problems too as that would stress her out even more! Now I think how stupid I was to have those thoughts!

Weirdly, since I've done IC and been going to the gym and GALing, my psoriasis has all but gone, and my stubble alopecia is no more! My body image is much better and my skin looks good with my grooming 'routine' - simple ingredients. Tip - rubbing a few drops of rosehip oil into the face every morning is great!

Lots of rambling thoughts here. I might have repeated some of this in earlier threads, but good to boil it down further and be able to move forward with a greater degree of confidence.

The lighthouse has been repainted and upgraded for sure. The picnic is delicious right now!