Riding the Wave 2

[may22]

Hi Wayfarer,

sending hugs... you already sound better today and I'm really glad.

On the vulnerability piece... I do think you need to be comfortable with the level of vulnerability you choose (or do not choose) to share with him. If you simply aren't comfortable and force yourself to do it and he does or says something that hurts you, you need to be OK with the fact you shared in the first place because you felt it was the right path for you to take. I have had moments where my H has thrown back in my face things I've shared with him, especially around the SSM, and I've called him out on it and he's apologized. But I think if I'd had a harder time sharing those things with him in the first place I would/could have felt really badly.

For me-- I have been vulnerable, quite a bit, especially in the DC's office. I don't regret it but by nature I am crap at keeping these kinds of things to myself and not sharing them with H. I can be private with acquaintances but have a really hard time not being open with close friends and especially with H. It is part of the reason I've had a hard time when with good friends over these past months because I feel like I'm lying to them every time they ask how I'm doing and I say fine and smile. Because that is my default position, I am OK with being vulnerable and knowing it could bite me later on. I think you just need to be OK with what you share before you make that choice. A lot of times I try to put myself in my future shoes and ask myself what is the worst that would happen if I did this, and how would future me feel about it? Would I regret it or not?

Maybe keep working on your letter so at least you have your thoughts down on paper whether you give it to him or not, or say it to him or not at some point in the future. I packed up his Christmas ornaments in a separate box after Christmas this year and put a note in there for him. It was a weird kind of closure/freeing moment because he's not going to see it for at least a year but I can't take it back either.

When this happens, you speak your truth. You listen to understand. You show your hurt. You say what you want from them. You also have gauge how receptive the other person is. Are they listening? Can they handle this? Can I handle this? Is this working to help with my goal to save this? Can you listen to how the other person is feeling? Can you not argue?

I really like what R2C says here-- all the ways to gauge how far to go in any particular situation.

Hang in there.