Was there anything positive about your W? I know we only have your side of the story, but she really sounds dreadful. Were the two of you ever happy in your MR?
In the past, I've been guilty of really letting another person get under my skin, to the point it would consume my thoughts, conversations, everyday life, etc. The fact that they were driving me insane, wasn't hurting the other person, whatsoever. I was giving the other person power over my life. You may say this is nothing like you, and that you just report an update about your sitch. That's what we want you to do, but at the same time, I am concerned.
Maybe I'm wrong, but this is kind of what I see with you. She's driving you nuts, by the least little things. She doesn't care how it affects you........and she will probably never change how she interacts with you. Why? B/c the two of you have had this type of bad interaction for years.......maybe always. She was a spoiled child, who threw tantrums until she got her way........and it still works for her, so she's not going to change. When reading your posts, I wonder if you keep expecting her to change how she interacts with you about the kids? I think I remember you asking the question if she would ever treat you better.....or something along that line. I don't think she will, Wolf, b/c you are doing more damage to yourself than she ever could. What do I mean? You are constantly finding fault with her. I'm not pointing to any particular incident, but usually, there is something she's said/done that sets like a hot coal in your brain. Maybe you don't say anything about it to her, but nevertheless, it registers in your mind/heart. You are keeping score of the past, as well as currently. Guess who it is hurting? Not her!
Here's what happens. All of that fault finding, score keeping, and saving up more & more resentment........turns into very sour grapes. Nobody will want to be around Wolfe, if you don't let go of it. I've seen the results of people who were eat up with bitterness, and it's not a pretty situation. Their own kids can't stand to be with them. They die lonely, angry individuals, b/c they would not let it go.
I think apart from the situation with your W, that you are probably a good guy who wants to enjoy being with his kids and friends. I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with your XW, if you still want a MR with her, or if you want nothing more than for her to cooperate and work with you in co-parenting the kids. On one hand you talk about how you are trying, but it's like everything she does just eats at you. I don't doubt a word you've said about her. It makes me remember how I talked about my H when I first joined the board. I felt as if nobody was listening, b/c they would suggest what I needed to be doing. Finally, someone told me (and I often pass it along) that it wasn't my H who was showing up on the board.......it was me!
I am not suggesting you have no requirements or conditions for her, should there be a future reconciliation. However, I am suggesting that it's time you stop expecting to see improved behavior in your XW. Whatever you have to do to find a way of processing or retraining your thought responses/patterns, coping with an unreasonable and unbearable XW, then do yourself a favor and get CBT, attend church, take psychology classes, watch You Tube, or do something that will help you learn how to deal with difficult people in your life. I don't want you having a heart attack, and it can happen when someone is pushing your buttons all the time. She won't change. She's not searching for relationship tools, or even co-parenting tools (apparently)........so how can you help Wolfe?
You currently have a girlfriend, right? Do you hope to reconcile with your W some day? Are you emotionally attached to your XW, b/c you want a future with her? I mean, you are emotionally attached, even if it's negative emotions. There seems to be too much spoken between you and XW. Your parenting style and her parenting style is not going to match, so the more you can avoid that whole scenario where she tattles to you about the kids......the better. Don't try to rescue her from the kids, or other issues she has brought on herself. Are you still going inside to get the kids? Asking the kids questions about what happens after you leave, or any other time they are with their mom, is an invitation for anxiety. I think you need to be careful there. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
