I think vulnerability is a tricky thing. DB says no, show him the upbeat & carefree side always, but I don’t agree with is completely. The rare occasions when I couldn’t help myself and showed my vulnerability to my H, he sometimes would reciprocate and lower his guard, and tell me that he’s hurting too. These windows to his inner self are extremely small and they’d only last a few seconds. It’s as if he felt the hurt and the wave that’s coming and he decided to shut the window again.
If we didn’t have those brief moments of honesty, we would be these two strange people pretending to be happy and upbeat all the time in front of each other. Making small talk. Smiling. Making jokes. Touching each other even.
I’ve thought about it too - does showing vulnerability and that I still care make me a plan B (I hate that expression btw)? He still has me under his spell? I don’t think so. I’ve told him I’m standing for the M. So obviously I care about us and I still love him. But I’m moving forward with my life regardless. I’m not moping around waiting for him to come back. I’m GALing and he can see that. Showing vulnerability does not make you weak. It keeps you honest with yourself. You can be strong and embrace your vulnerabilities.
I was trying to get to this last night, but it was a long day with very little sleep the night before and I honestly fell asleep trying to respond last night. The little windows of vulnerability from him that I can recognize. I've seen it. But it's only when I'm stoically calm saying incredibly emotional things. In the beginning my tears made him.....volatile, I guess would be a good word. I can't really say explosive. It wasn't exactly rage. But it was cruel. He said the most awful stuff to me when I was a tearful mess. How he'd behave now, who he is now I have no idea. But I can't shake the fear of opening up and being actually vulnerable instead of saying my piece in a completely controlled manner DB or anti-DB aside and I worry if my fear is founded was looking for that window of humanity and vulnerability worth it.
With the exception of the fights and the handful of calm talks in Nov and Dec we are "two strange people pretending to be happy and upbeat all the time in front of each other. Making small talk. Smiling. Making jokes." Basically Jan 9 to Feb 4 that's exactly who we were. And as messed up as it is I took comfort in that. It's calm.
So the Plan B thing is a thing I struggle with too, because being here with so many in the same boat what I can see is LBS aren't exactly a Plan B. It seems more like Plan A1 running Plan A2 staying. It feels like most of these WS are constantly unconsciously weighing them against each other and a lot of the time they stay on equal footing.
But to continue with the vulnerability talk. H has asked me repeatedly to watch Marriage Story. I know the premise. I know about Charlie reading the letter at the end and other important points. But I can't bring myself to do it yet. My other fear here is that my bff is right. That I have to let him in. That this push to watch that damn movie means something. That he wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling but won't outright ask. And even though he's completely tunneled in his own mess most of the time he still knows me well enough to know that I won't let him in on my own, because I don't want him to let him have that kind of power over me. I know none of this is coming from a place of control. I know he isn't trying to win by what is happening here but because of my past that's just how I operate. My factory preset is if I show weakness, hurt, fear, any of it that I'm giving in, that I'm giving the person hurting me exactly what they want. I think what my friend wants for me is to just tell him what I think and feel about all of this, because I haven't. Other than the night I raged, and when we've fought since he's never really gotten any of the things I think or feel. Because I am so A type all of our calm conversations even before DB were action oriented. What are we going to do? How are we going forward? How do we handle this with the kids? I haven't talked about the pain. I haven't talked about my love for him. I haven't talked about how I'm handling this. I haven't talked about my fears for our future apart. I was the first to take my ring off. I was the one who told him to go to couch. I went radio silent first. I go radio silent the longest. Which some of is DBing and some is me just being me. As far as standing, I wouldn't ever tell him I'm standing for this M. Or that I think he'll be back some day. I'd never let him have any indicator that I'm not moving on. DB or no DB. There's no way in hell I'd let him have my hope for the future. He honestly thinks I already am moving on he's said as much. And I'd like to keep it that way. I'm struggling to find a way to bridge the gap between protecting myself from him and giving myself the closure I'll need. I know won't ever truly be able to move on if I don't say at least some of what I want to say. But I also don't want to sacrifice a part of the inner me to a person who doesn't give a d@mn and on any given day I don't know what or who he cares about besides himself.
