Thanks may, Yail, rooskers, AS ~ You've all pointed out in different ways about the allure of DB'ing. It truly is about saving myself. And the lack of bitterness is refreshing.
The first mediation session was frustrating. I don't think it's wise to share many details here. My take was that the mediator talks through the options, and will gently nudge one of us in a certain direction as needed. It was hard to tell, and sometimes I felt completely unsupported. Maybe I'm reacting too emotionally. I don't know.
I didn't come in overly strong. This is private mediation... the point is not to get the mediator to agree with me, it's for my W and I to work towards agreements. My W (predictably) wants to stay in the house and have maximal time with the kids. I (predictably) want more time with the kids, and to stop effectively over-paying support. I felt like the burden was on me to prove (with my FT job) that I can work a schedule where the kids can stay in their after-school activities. I
The details of the house situation make it frustrating but I don't really want to share. There are ways she could keep it, but I take some risk. I do think the kids staying there is just fine, and would be better for them, if she could swing it on her own at no risk to me. But realistically I am going to have to bend quite a bit to help make that happen.
On the flip side, I felt very little willingness by my W to agree to give me extra time with the kids. She offered an after-school time slot (no over night) on a weekday.
My anxiety has been a steady 8 to 9/10 the last 2 days. Last time I felt anxiety this high was 7 months ago when I thought my W was going to withhold the children from overnights at my house. 9/10 means forget meditation or exercise. I went for a walk when I got home last night which helped some. I'm waking up in the middle of the night for good, and appetite has fallen to zero.
One of my friends last night told me, "I wonder how long you can keep going like this." (Meaning, trying to mediate F2F). This was only the first session, but it has the potentially to eat me alive. My work performance suffers. My self-care suffers. Part of it is the situation, and part of it is my own anxiety and my own difficulties working through things.
My thoughts easily spiral into doom and gloom. Example train of thought: I'm still operating in NGS mode. I still want an agreement where we maximize our joint happiness. I want to be pleasant. I want to fight for myself too. But I can't figure out where to draw that line, because of my NGS and upbringing. Kids are involved. How will this impact them? What is best for them? What sort of man am I? What is the "right" thing to do? If I hand this off to a L, am I escaping my own demons by not handling my things like AMOAFWL? Am I a coward? Am I a bully? Am I too stuck in my head? (yes, obviously).
I understand now why many fathers in the FT/SAH dynamic give up on the process (not here at DB forums, but in general). It would be easy to accept an "every other weekend" set up. It's easy to start doubting myself... am I really capable of being a 50/50 dad while working FT? Can I handle that? Is that better for the children? Is their mother going to be able to handle this? They need her to be strong too.
