It's hard to sit and negotiate your entire life -- time with your kids, assets, money. All of it. With the one person you thought would be there for you.
Yeah it is downright unpleasant. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It does get better once you get everything nailed down though. Not knowing the outcome is what ate me up. How much will I owe? How much custody will I get? How long is this going to drag on? Once it's all on paper, even if it's not exactly what you want at least it's known, defined, unambiguous. And that gives you power over your life again. Just try to remember that no one is "made whole" in D. Both sides want to be made whole, but both have to compromise, and both typically feel they got screwed in the end.
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Why do I keep posting on a DB website at this point? I have no clue. I feel better prepared to handle my emotions due to this place, and it has been a major support network for me.
Sounds like you answered your own question
Originally Posted by may22
Also, FWIW, you have a lot of people here who support you and are rooting for YOU, not for your M but for YOU.
Exactly right. A lot of broken marriages do end up reconciling, but that's not really the point of these forums. The point is to take broken PEOPLE and make them better, stronger and more resilient. To turn them into the best version of themselves, and into spouses only a fool would leave. Then if their spouse leaves anyway, well then they are a fool and who wants to be married to a fool?
Originally Posted by Yail
Some might say this is a marriage-saving board. It is. Until it isn't. There are times when stepping away is the best thing to do. I honestly believe the reason I don't hate my XW is because I walked away relatively early when I saw that was her choice. I wasn't going to chase her. If I kept fighting the inevitable I think I would have grown to resent her. Now she's just someone who isn't in my life anymore. But the future? Who knows. It is 100% unwritten. I loved her once, who knows what I might feel for her 5 years from now, but honestly that doesn't take up my brain-space. Right now I only care about 2020 and all the amazing things I'm going to bust my behind to accomplish.
All this to say...this online space is what you want it to be. Make the choice that resonates with you.
Well said. What does it mean to "reconcile" anyway? My XW despised being around me, had nothing good to say about me, said terrible things about me to others. Now we do things together, she asks me for help around her house, she tells others what a great man I am. We're not intimate and we're still divorced, but our relationship is vastly improved over what it was and a lot of that is due to DB'ing. And I tackled many demons I struggled with towards the end of our M. My NGS tendencies, the passive-aggressive habits, the lack of respect I showed towards others, the selfishness. The people here on the DB boards helped me navigate all of that. So I didn't reconcile my marriage, but I did reconcile my relationship with my XW, and I reconciled my life. And that, to me, is the definition of successful DB'ing.
