Ok, first and foremost good luck on preparing for the interview! I hear your hesitancy in that you like your job, but also want/need to grow. I wish you well through the process wherever that leads you. Kick butt the whole way!
Jack: I'm glad he wrote, it seems a bit more closure. Not that I think you two will fully stop talking per se, but it does have a bit more of a neat bow on it now to see more fully what he is going through. That's nice to have. It sounds like he may still have a bit more to say in upcoming weeks as he works through himself, and trusts you to speak with. It sounds like he wants/needs to talk through his own stuff and you may be the only person he has to do so with. But also, that's not your role anymore, so you might need to decide what you want your role to be as friend vs former lover. I hope he doesn't push it too much just so you don't have to repeat yourself numerous times to indicate you're not interested anymore.
I wonder, though, about pointing out that he will be happy later with your decision and see you were right. Isn't that invalidating of his current experience? If he is still pining a bit let him. All you need to do is continue to stand gently firm in what YOU want - not make excuses for what you think HE wants.
I only say this because often women will use this as a way of sidestepping the process of voicing our own wants/needs as valid wants/needs. It doesn't matter if he comes to see that you are right in the long term. It only matters that you've spoken for yourself - and done so in an eloquent, respectful yet gently firm way.
Brook: Wow. I feel for the guy. Honestly, I was a little surprised by the whole story of him and his wife being completely okay with the divorce and just drifting apart. Only because I've never witnessed this in my life, so it isn't something I've experienced. I had a respectful divorce and it still sucked the life out of me (though of course I in no way wanted it - it still was murder on my heart).
I can see how the best thing for him to do is process privately. If you two do connect down the road you do want to be with someone healthy and not hung-up on an ex. This might take him a bit to work through as he remembers every little thing about his own D, and needs to re-analyze it. He's going to be reliving some gross sh!t.
It makes me wonder if he is an introvert? I get the sense in your life you're an extrovert. His need for privacy during this processing time is something I can relate to - with the "hiding" behavior. Some folks need it, some don't. But I could relate because when I go through exceptionally painful periods I tend to retreat and hide for a few weeks at a time and then emerge feeling stronger when I am ready.
Well, that was a fun day for you, wasn't it? As you know I'm in a tiny bit of a slump currently, but everyday I remind myself that ANYTHING could happen - and who knows what's around the corner? It could be amazing, it could be crazy, it could cause some emotional whiplash. Yep. You've just shown that every day truly is a new day and we never know what's coming.
Good luck on the interview. You are a smart woman; pretty sure you’ll do just fine.
Wow about Brook’s situation. I’ve been reading and following along. Glad to see your not a great misjudge of character.
It don’t think he is hung up on his XW. If my XW told she was cheating (more) during our marriage it wouldn’t be that big a deal. Her betrayal is processed, the start date would change and perhaps numbers of OP.
However, if XW cheated with my best friend. Well that is a whole new betrayal. Brook was betrayed by his wife. Now he just found out he was also betrayed by his best friend. That is brand new, and going to take sometime to wrap his head around. What a gut punch.
From what you’ve said of Brook so far, and your sense of him. I suspect he will gather himself up rather quickly and deal with best friend. Well I suppose soon to be ex best friend.
Take care.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yail: RE; Jack... thanks for pointing that out about focusing on my wants and needs. Yes...you are right. I need to shut up about what I hope he will figure out. While I do love him, it is not the love that I would need to have to venture down the marriage path again. Now if he did the work and our paths crossed five years from now and he was single and I was single...maybe. I would definitely need to see this new positive person and know that it was a permanent change. I think if he can manage it, however, he will meet someone else and that will be for the best.
RE: Brook. He is a definite extrovert actually. Even more so than me. However the best friend betrayal has caused him to retreat because of how close this person is. Not just because he has known him for most of his life but because they are coaches together as well. Brook coaches the senior girls and his friend coaches the juniors. It is a small community...one high school. If this got out, it wouldn’t just impact Brook and his XW and friend but the coaching community, the players, etc... I am sure he is feeling very overwhelmed.
I had a similar experience in my first M. My H had an EA that was about to become a PA had I not intercepted an answering machine message from the woman (a friend of mine and the partner of one of my H’s best friends). It ended the second I found out about it and I took the high road. I didn’t tell her partner because they had kids and my H was in a band with him and a bunch of other close friends. It would have destroyed our friend group and ultimately I’m not sure my H could have emotionally survived it. I also understood why it happened. I knew there was a space between my H and I and if it hadn’t been there, she would not have been a threat. I also knew the problems in her relationship.
Three months after I found out, I found myself sitting in a pub with her and her partner after a wedding that my H was in. He was doing the picture thing and her partner invited me to sit with them... I didn’t have a good enough reason not to. Anyway...I got up to go to the bathroom and she followed me. Started crying and apologizing the second we got into the bathroom. I told her I was fine and that, in fact, my marriage was stronger than ever and that I forgave her. It felt good. We eventually did divorce, as friends, but it wasn’t because of that. She and I were never good friends again though. Anyway...I told Brook this story and told him that while he is having an emotional reaction, he may want to think about taking the high road as I think he would ultimately be glad that he did.
I think you are right DnJ. I think he will gather himself. He just needs to wrap his head around everything and choose a path for himself. One of the things he texted today was to assure me that I am not a poor judge of character. I am glad I chose the direct approach.
If this got out, it wouldn’t just impact Brook and his XW and friend but the coaching community, the players, etc... I am sure he is feeling very overwhelmed.
Yes, Brook is probably feeling overwhelmed. He’ll find his way.
I believe it is a matter of “When this gets out...” not “If this gets out...”. Most stuff surfaces eventually, not too many people take secrets to the grave. Brook’s XW can spill the beans at any time depending on how scorned she becomes at his friend. Or any other number of sources could speak up.
The larger impact is usually and amazingly short lived. It’s incredible just how quickly scandalous behaviour is collectively glossed over by the bulk of a community, and even with one’s friends and acquaintances. The impact upon those immediate to the situation is of course a different story.
Taking the high road is good advice. I believe the high road for an EA might be different than for a PA / affair. Food for thought.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
yes but this man is in a position of authority, he coaches girls' basketball, and he slept with the married mother of one of his players. that could have very long-range and long lasting consequences...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
On a side note... I reread Brook’s text to me and given what he said, I’m not 100% sure that he KNOWS they were having an affair. What he told me is that he saw them talking and giggling together at a basketball camp last year and that he asked her what was up. She told him “nothing”...they were just friends. Then he saw her sitting with his kids and parents on Saturday at their daughter’s game. So it looks like he is convinced there was something going on but if all he knows about is what he texted me, he may be jumping to conclusions. I say this because I had that kind of a friendship with a guy towards the end of my first marriage. There was an attraction and a connection but we never acted on it. My friendship with him, however, did get me reflecting on my marriage and what was missing. My H even noticed it and said to me...”Wow. Too bad you didn’t meet that guy before you met me. You and I never laugh like that together.” I panicked when he said that. I wanted to be married for life. But he wasn’t wrong. There were things missing from our marriage and my friendship with this guy was the catalyst for my XH and I to really take a look at it. But I didn’t cheat and there is a possibility she didn’t either... especially if all he knows is those two things. Anyway...I texted him this morning to ask if that is all he knows and told him the story about me and my H and that it may have been a similar dynamic between his XW and his friend and that maybe the betrayal is not as extreme as he thinks it is. Anyway...we’ll see. Hopefully it is not as bad as he thinks.
Long text conversation with Brook today. I think I successfully talked him down off a ledge and got him to step back from his emotional “cave man” (his words) reaction to the possibility that his XW and friend are seeing each other. He really does not have proof they were fooling around when they were married and they have been apart long enough that she could have started seeing this guy after the divorce. And he is not his best friend...just a pretty good friend. I also got him to look at it from a different perspective which is that she IS going to be dating and it might be better for him to know the guy she is dating rather than not know him since that person will be around his girls. He definitely saw the logic in that. I also asked him if, all things being equal, he would want to get back together with her and he said definitely not...that he doesn’t have those feelings for her so he’s not even really sure why he is upset. Ego...was my guess. Told him that if he can find a way to move past it to the extent that the past really doesn’t matter anymore, he will know that he has truly moved on. At first he thought he might need to talk with her to “clear the air” but by the end of our conversation, he said he wasn’t sure that talking to her would give him what he needed as he doesn’t even know what that is at this point. So...it looks like maybe the crisis has been averted and he is continuing to work on moving forward. I’d tell him about this board except, selfishly, this is my place for therapy and I need to have somewhere to write about him...lol.
BTW...I’m starting to think I might get that job. The regional manager emailed me today to tell me to call her. She says she can help me figure out how to prepare for the interview. Hmmm...me thinks she wants me to get it...lol. Not gonna lie...that feels pretty good.
Danger Will Robinson!!! So this guy told you his divorce was “amicable” and now he’s jealous of his ex-wife dating someone else? I dunno, he sounds like the WAS to me. Just sayin’.
KML... I’m not too worried. I don’t think it is as simple as she is dating someone else. It is more that he noticed something between her and his friend when they were married and she denied anything was going on. Then he saw her sitting with his kids and his parents at their daughter’s basketball game last week which indicated a higher level of intimacy than just dating thus making him think there had likely been an affair. I think he would have felt differently if she was just dating “some guy” but that’s not the case. This is a good friend who hasn’t said anything about it. Lying by omission is still lying and I think that is what he is upset about. The upset is fading.
The divorce was amicable in that they came to an agreement and did the divorce without any lawyers. He says they are not friends but they aren’t enemies either. They just aren’t really involved in each other’s lives other than when they are at their daughters’ various activities.
Anyway...Brook and I are just talking and we have taken a step back from the nightly texting sessions. I think his reaction to this really surprised him and he is genuinely trying to figure out why it bothers him. I am glad that he is choosing to step back from whatever is happening between us as some guys would just try to get past it by upping their efforts to get involved with someone else to make themselves feel better. That’s not Brook. I think it is a sign of respect that he doesn’t feel right about continuing to develop a relationship with me until he works through this. I have told him to take all the time and space that he needs because I wouldn’t want him to do anything different. I have no interest in being anyone’s rebound/revenge relationship.
Texted with Buddy a bit today. Gonna hang out with him on Saturday. Will see Brook as well but I’ve already told him my primary reason for going is to hang with Brook. My sister may come too as she hasn’t seen Buddy in ages. It just depends on work. Regardless, it will be a fun day.
