Yeah this is something LBS's often have to face. Their WAS can feel "bad" and even get very depressed and cry and such about the wreckage they've caused, but they still feel JUSTIFIED. They've created a narrative in their head to justify their actions. They've laid the blame on the LBS's doorstep. The LBS makes them unhappy, the LBS should have done more, the LBS drove them into the arms of another person, blah blah blah. This is why we preach detachment. Remove yourself from the equation. Be as "gone" as possible. Let him learn to miss you, and learn that YOU are not responsible for his demons, HE is. If and when he gets there, THEN the guilt will come. But it could be way down the road.
I don’t even know what kind of story H has in his mind. He’s actually never said too much about blaming things on me. He’s told me very little about his thoughts on anything since BD. This reminds me of the first time he dropped the D word 3 months ago, I asked him what’s been going through his head while I’ve given him the space he’s asked. He refused to tell me. I said you want to divorce but you can’t even tell me why?? Then he said “you took your ring off, that was the last hope I had” and “you want to move on and find another guy” (both complete bs) and nothing about his own reflections.
The lack of guilt also reminded me that this is VERY far from over.....I remember the vets saying that the end is near when the WAS starts to realize the damage that they’ve done and feel guilty about it....in my mind I was sure he was feeling guilty. So that was a shock to me.
Hesable- my H IS an alcoholic. Functioning alcoholic maybe, but I’ve decided to stop calling him that because the “functioning” part seems to be justifying the alcoholic part. And also my H is clearly of functioning. He’s still going to work fine maybe, but other than work his has blown up the rest of his life.
But one thing I think will help you to have less resentment is to have more compassion toward your H. I know it is not easy to feel that way toward somebody who’s doing all these things to destroy our family. But they are a wreck right now. They are going through something major even though we can’t understand it. What they’re doing seems so unforgivable at the moment, but sooner or later you must forgive to let go of the resentment and hate for you own good.
