The only thing that is important to me, like really important that if I did have sex early, to not confuse it with an emotional bond. And the reason that I’m choosing to hold out is that I want there to be an emotional connection and not just sex. And I know the difference.
You all got to remember. I have been a dating , single, adult for 12 years. The only other person I slept with was my exH. Sex is going to happen. I wasn’t with this one person for 20 years. It’s a lot different for me. And I have become pretty adept at separating sex from a bond. Trust me, I would love to have sex with one person for the rest of my life ( just not my ex because he was awful)
Anyways, I have respect for “prudes” I have respect for those who like sex and practice it safely.
On an unrelated note, I just kicked @ss and pushed my body to a limit that I didn’t think I could. I held out a really good run pace today without stopping. I thought I might die a few times but I did. I’m getting back to shape again and I haven’t felt this good since 2 years ago before the injuries and surgery.
It’s a win for me.
Last edited by job; 02/05/2010:08 PM. Reason: edited language
For the record, M and I did sleep together on the 3 rd date. And I am pretty sure that did not lead to the demise of our relationship a year later
Are you? Maybe if he had had to work for it in the beginning of the relationship he wouldn't have taken you for granted. Or maybe if he had had to work for it in the beginning he wouldn't have put out the effort and you would have known then, instead of a year later, that he wasn't willing to put out the effort.
Slow down. Find out more about this guy. What did you learn about him last night besides that he has good manners and seems to be a physical touch love language guy? What does he do for a living? What are his ambitions? Why did his marriage really break down? What are his medical issues (says the woman with the boyfriend with stage 4 lung cancer)? I know you weren't interrogating him last night, but you must have learned SOME things about him, right? You are doing your research right now, what have you learned?
Look, I'm not averse to a roll in the hay early on - I've done it. But it's not a good strategy if you're looking for a long term relationship, and honestly, it'll lead to mistakes because really, how much can you know about a guy after 1 or 2 dates? And since you get attached so easily, it'd be better to keep your eyes clear until you know more about this guy. Plus you've already seen how making yourself a little less available resulted in him stepping up a little bit. Step back and see what he does next. If he calls you for a last minute date again, you're already booked. If he calls you and makes a date in advance like a respectful, interested guy, take it. But go out, let him pay, and no hanky panky yet.
I'm not saying anything judgy about promiscuity. I've slept with people on a first date and not regretted it. BUT we are trying to get G to do something different as her old way of being is not working for her. And many women get too attached once that oxytocin from sex kicks in, and then end up not seeing all the red flags they should be seeing. She needs to learn to let a guy work to woo her, not be so easy. It helps to weed out the guys who are just looking for a convenient lay. Because unfortunately many guys will date a willing woman even if she's not the one for him, as a convenience for sex until the right one comes along. G has had too many experiences like that. And most men, for whatever its worth, seem to value the women they have to work hard to get, more than the ones who make it too easy for them. Waiting a couple more dates before having sex gives her time to find out more about him, if he's worthy, if he's hiding anything, if he's interested enough to keep pursuing her.
Sex has never got me attached. Maybe once, a long time ago. I’m a big girl now. And a very self aware woman who is willing to own up to mistakes, and learn .
My issues were my poor choices and expecting more out of men who could not give anymore and I just kept trying. And that’s where I have went wrong. I have dated a bunch of men who can’t handle what I have to offer. And they didn’t deserve me. The right one will handle all the great and not so great parts of me. And the difference for me will not be me not being afraid to lose them if they aren’t giving what I need.
I learned a lot about E. I know all about his parents, his job, his hobbies. And he knows about mine as well. He likes to know about me. And we are dating and learning each other. That’s it right now. And it’s fun. And I’m smiling. And it feel friggin good. And it’s not clouding my judgement.
I’m a smart lady. Emotionally intelligent. And I’m going to continue to be
Clearly when it comes to sex, like minded people attract like minded people. There are men like LH who don’t see a woman as being promiscuous if sex happens on the first date. Then, there are men who are turned off by having sex quickly. And I am sure the same goes for women. I personally would not date a guy long term who tried to sleep with me faster than my comfort level. But then again, I would not sleep with any guy on the first few months (unless I ran into Keanu Reeves at Target - and I DO look for him). If a guy is trying to get with me that fast then basic law of probability is he is hooking up A LOT. And that’s not a turn on for me. So, I am looking for like minded men and have always passed on those who don’t fit this bill.
To me, the bigger issue is, while you are enjoying dating G. (as you well should!), are you sure you are really evaluating this guy thoroughly vs. just getting more interested quickly because he is showing interest? I guess I just want to plant the seed that if you’ve been on your own and really want a long term relationship (which is totally understandable), are you just ready to make it happen quickly if a guy shows potential? How high is the bar?
You are the prize. You are to determine if this guy is worthy of you because you are the full package. The question is, is HE worthy of you long term?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
No no. The man has many ways of showing attraction outside of being an octopus! Body language, eye contact, saying “I’d really like to see you again” etc.
Flirting!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
