Emotionally Unavailable

[hoosjim]

When you have been a SSM or "loveless" MR or otherwise lonely or denied affection intimacy for a looooong period of time, suddenly getting interest from a member of the opposite sex, particularly an attractive one, is.... intoxicating. Very intoxicating. When I got my first "taste" of that dynamic, after BD by my WW and a period of picking myself up, GAL-ing, and deciding I was just going to go out and socialize and have fun, it knocked me over. My MR had not been "hot", loving, intimate... whatever you want to call it, not even affectionate, for probably 10 years, and I had been married for over 20 years and not "on the market" since that time. While I was opening myself up to socializing and bantering and even, as I thought, "light" flirting, I was not prepared for my response/reaction. That a younger, very attractive, lady would return my banter/flirting and actually escalate it... WOW. Like I said, intoxicating. It took a good friend who was with me to talk me down during a private moment at the bar: "Hey, man, so what are you doing here, what are you hoping happens... What do you think this girl is hoping happens and how does that mesh with you being married and what you are trying to do with your marriage?" It was good he was there, because I am not sure that i would have de-escalated the enocunter with this woman otherwise... and, in the end, that was not what I was looking for and not what either of us needed at that moment. But, in the heat of the moment, when it has been a while since you received that kind of attention, it can be VERY hard to resist. it gave me new perspective on my W's situation and behavior-- not that it excused her having an A... but i could see how, under the circumstances, that attention after such a long period of neglect could be enticing and hard to resist.

Bottom line is that in this period you need to be working on yourself, making yourself relationship-ready (which you are not right now) and turning yourself into AMOAFWL--- an effort that will serve you well in whatever relationship you ultimately end up.