So I as usual jinxed myself. Kids left the room and H asks be how I’m doing. Then asks “how are you really doing?” I say to him a “Huh?” Then he asked again. Told him I’m doing as well as can be expected. I ask how he is and he says same. Then he goes into asking if things are still in motion for him to move out in April. I said things are exactly the same. I’m solvent in June with out your income but I need help in April and May exactly as we talked about before. He just lost it. He basically called me a welfare queen because I won’t get a second job to make it work. I can say with absolute certainty that I did not detach nor did I DB in anyway until the end of that mess. I did calmly inform him that if he won’t voluntarily help me the court will make him. Which then he started screaming at me that I’m threatening him and that he knew I’d do that and that I always do that. He tried to leave in a huff. I managed to talk him out of it and asked for a few minutes where he really listens. I asked why it was my responsibility to bank roll his life choices that destroyed our MR. He went back to the welfare queen thing for a second. Then shifted gears into I said I’ll try to get you that money I don’t know why that isn’t good enough. I said I don’t have a lot of faith in you saying you’ll try right now. I’m sorry. He went on about how long am I going go make him suffer. He’s miserable on the couch. He’s miserable working 7 days a week. He’s miserable being stuck here. I said I’m sorry that you’re so miserable. I don’t want you to suffer or be miserable. I’m not sure why you think that. I’m not that person. And I really do understand how miserable you are better than most. I don’t know why you keep trying to make me the villain in your story. And rewriting who we were and who I am. And then I went full anti-DB I said I think the real issue here is you have no idea how hard it is for me to constantly be trying to keep things going smoothly and just let go of you giving you all the space you want so you can be happy. You’re the one that doesn’t love me anymore. I still love you and I’d never want you to suffer or be miserable. I genuinely want you to be happy but I can’t put your happiness above my survival or my sanity. I offered you the bed on weekends you won’t take it because you’re out all night. That offer still stands. I’ll say you trying to get me the money I’m asking for is enough for me if that’s what it takes. I do still want to do the legal separation and do it jointly and split the household as amicable as possible like we discussed a long time ago. I’m sorry if you thought I was threatening you. That was never my intention. And I’m sorry that I yelled back at you. I really didn’t want to be like that. But you have to understand you spent the better part of 2 months acting like I was the worst thing that ever happened to you when you come at me my anxiety rises and I get defensive because I’m terrified of what awful thing you’ll say to me. He looked at me and his eyes were welling up and said when did I ever say awful things to you and immediately turned away. I told him some of the things he’s said. He then said I’m rewriting what happened he never said any of those things. Especially not I never really loved you. I said I didn’t say I believed it but it was said. I really am sorry the way this conversation went. Still won’t look at me. Eyes still welling up. He says it’s fine I’ll get over it. I got up and went to shower. He left while I was in there.
I cried in the shower. I called my bff and cried some more. She asked that maybe I be vulnerable around him the way I am with her. Especially the way I told her I do really just want him to be a happy, healthy, whole person with or with out me regardless of any other thoughts I have on that. I said that while crying a lot. I’m not a big crier but this has got me some place else. The thing is how I am with her is the truth. My truth. At the core of this whole mess I love him and while I logically know his misery has little to do with him being “stuck” here I do feel that I’d just like to see him actually happy again. I told her though that I couldn’t do that. I can’t let him see me cry ever again. That he’ll have to take the version of thatt that he got with my walls up because he’s not in a place to give a damn about my vulnerability. He doesn’t even have enough empathy to think “man I do owe her at least a little financial help for a little while.” How could he possibly see me fall apart telling him I love him and I only want him to be happy? More than anything I want him to find real joy again while I sob? How would that possibly go any other way than him looking at me and thinking I’m pathetic? She agreed. But said I worry you need that moment where you get to say how you really feel about all this and you won’t do it because you want to win, or refuse to let him see you weak, or you’ve decided he doesn’t deserve to be let in ever again. I worry your pride and plan here is going to stop you from putting everything out there that you’d really deep down like to.
Honestly she’s right. I want to say so much. But I also don’t want to say a word DB or no DB. I have no idea if putting these walls up constantly are proper DB or stopping me from a 180. I was a pursuer but not the crying begging kind. I’d constantly block his path running and logic him back. And as much as I complain he may have never really known me I guess I never did take all the walls down for him. I was rarely completely vulnerable. I was a softer version of my normal grade A b**ch self but never fully went open with him. I guess if we ever got to MC we’d have to talk about that. But I should probably write that down fir my next IC. Ugh this is a hot mess. I guess I’ll jump back in the DB wagon in the morning. And start all over.
