I feel you. I got in bed last night and I could smell H (He probably was sleeping here when we were out of town). It made me really miss him. I actually texted him and said I miss him. Of course, no text back. My first late-night-couldn’t-stop-myself text and probably my last. When I look at him, I miss his old aura. Now there’s this empty shell around him. Even when he’s being friendly, loving....it’s just not the same anymore.
But sweet memories aside, I’m glad that he’s removed himself from this family for now and has taken that darkness with him. The anger, the frustration, the irritability, the yelling, just whole bunch of negativity in general....I would not want to take those back for brief moments of love.
Wooba that aura thing got me. I felt that. My H isn’t a shell. He’s just off. Even when he’s away from me the one or two of his friends who will actually engage with me tell me it’s like he’s pretending to be who he was. Not a shell but like photocopy of a photocopy. Not quite right. That’s another thing that helps me stay detached. Even when he starts being like his old self it’s like a person pretending to be him. That alien feeling I guess. Just not full fledged. Like one that’s learned how to assimilate.
