Perils of piecing - thread 8

[Ready2Change]

I wonder if there's a different way of understanding my H's behaviour that I am missing and you - if you were willing - might help me to find it.

I believe that is the reason I posted.

This sounds like a familiar dynamic. If I might ask a question? If what would matter to her is having help with the dishes, why not do that? They're your dishes too, right? Why insist on Not Doing Them and turn a thank you into a passive aggressive reminder that you're also doing your share in other ways? Why not leave her to do the car herself, as she might care about that less, and speak to her in her language rather than insist she learn to receive love in the way you feel like giving it?

As far as the car, she actually wakes me up, asks me to help her. She is small and always cold. I am larger and hardly ever cold. I said thanks in a flirty way. I am a rinse the dishes off and load the dishwasher immediately type guy. When I am cooking, my dishes are always done before I eat. As long as there are no other dishes in the sink or on the counter, I will rinse and put them in the dishwasher. Of course I have put the dirty dishes in with the clean ones in the past because I thought we were loading vs someone didn't unload. Oops. I was told I was looking extremely sexy this weekend when I was vacuuming the house. I don't do it very often, but did it on my own because I had the time and I wanted to get it done my way. I like doing the baseboards and they get skipped a lot with teens.

I believe it comes down to efficiencies and agreements. My buddy never cooks, but always does the dishes. Works for them. ....maybe

Ultimately it comes down to the one with the strongest need to get something done. I think big issues happen when one person is focused on taking care of things and the other is focused on relaxing.

I am a physical touch and words of affirmation woman. We have done the 5LL quiz together. My H is acts of service. I make him packed lunches, make him coffees, make sure he always has ironed shirts in his wardrobes and I do his laundry and put it away without him ever having to wonder where it is or how it got back into his drawers. He knows my love languages. I'd rather he looked me in the eyes, touched my hair and said something sweet to me than he scrape the windscreen on my car. But he insists on scraping the windscreen (then complains about doing it - possibly because he doesn't find me grateful enough) because that's what makes sense to him.

He definitely needs more training.

W:"How would you feel if I stopped making you lunches and taking care of your laundry?"
H:"Bla bla bla"
W:"Well that is exactly how I feel when you do not hold me"

another option is boundaries.

He tells me very often he needs more time than he gets alone.....H prefers to spend the next few hours wearing headphones, watching television and eating.......His only request is for quiet and time alone and time to pursue his interests.

There is a balance. I need my time alone and my lady needs our time together. She wants to share her day with me and I want to get 15 things done and relax. I am sure she wants me to share my day (talk about). The last thing I want to is relive it. I would rather talk about the future and plans.

It angers him: he says it is a manipulative technique that proves I only do nice things for him because I am trying to 'extract' (his words) some form of love and affection from him

Sounds like you have your hands full.

W"Nope. Just the opposite"




Relationships are hard work. Trying to fill the others love bucket and communicating how we need ours filled. I consumed 2-3 books a week for several years. I had to fight my natural instincts and act outside my comfort zone a lot. I did not make it to piecing with my X. I can't imagine how hard that part of the process is.