DnJ, wooba, may, Kindly! Thank you all for this much-needed support and for cheering me on in a way. This was such a huge step for me, and your visits here have indeed helped me keep my focus on the step itself, and me, rather than H's response, which did get me down just a bit and led to me thinking of BD and my doubts again.
I did feel sad for a day... like I missed out on so many chances to be this brave and initiate intimacy with H in the past, but I don't want to get lost in regrets. As you mentioned on wayfarer's thread and on yours, may, you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. That is true. I also didn't know how much H's insecurities about himself extended to our SSM. I know H is probably still hurt by the why-only-now-when-I-tell-you-I-want-a-D question, but if I would have known H was hurting... Anyway, the point is I am changing and so much more is possible. I don't believe it's ever too late to make changes.
When I shared my attempt with my coach, she was surprised. She was proud. She was moved. You went right into the place of your greatest fear and vulnerability, she said. You did it! I think it really sunk in in that moment how big of a 180 that was for me, and how hard-earned.
I've been thinking about two other takeaways which I hadn't considered:
1. H did not respond by yelling, as if confused, "We're getting a D!" (i.e. What are you doing?!) Which is something he did in the fall when I questioned him about a household decision he made without telling me. The new friendly-H version of this could have been the same question in a normal tone, or a follow-up talk the next day—like, just so you know, my feelings haven't changed; I'm still planning on filing very soon, etc. But he didn't bring it up.
2. Not only am I proud that I took the risk (and yeah, kind of proud that it surprised H, because it should, considering it's such direct, new behavior from me), but I'm proud that I didn't get get cold or angry or cry when H turned me down. I took it in stride. That should also be a surprise to H.
DnJ, thanks for helping me to begin to reset my perspective, which I really needed.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You know what you lived. You have letter, gifts, pictures, memories of better times. It was real.
That validation must seem so simple, and yet I'd forgotten—oh, yes, I do have many letters, for example, which would remind me that H hasn't felt this way forever.
Originally Posted by DnJ
He appears to feel nothing towards you. His emotions are cranked to 11. He has to mute and ignore his feelings for you.
Right. I do believe this. I believe he muted any feelings for me right away... I guess it's more accurate to say, sometimes I worry he will be able to do that forever. Or I will be muted for so long these feelings will cease to exist. But as I type that, I also recognize it as a fear and not a belief.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Time and patience yields clarity with our remembered history and a great many other things. It is the wisdom behind such advice as: Dig for patience. You have the gift of time, use it well. Sit quietly and answers will present themselves.
Back to my uneasy relationship with time again... why do I fear time?
I had a dream again last night in which I confront H and try to shake him out of this. It was full of wonderful dream imagery and logic: his face was not his face but a drawing of his face. After finally yelling at him about how all of this was affecting me (truth bombs, Kindly!), I ripped away the paper and nothing was behind it. He had no head, no face, no... brain, I guess, either, right? In my dream I regretted screaming. I knew expressing my anger in that way wasn't helpful, and I couldn't take it back. Digging deep for patience and allowing time to unfold has saved me from that kind of response (not counting the emotional immediate response to BD!), and time has allowed me to grow in many ways.
