Perils of piecing - thread 8

[AlisonUK]

Thank you for that generous and kind reply, ReadytoChange.

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? My aim here is not to criticise you at all, but just get a better understanding. I wonder if there's a different way of understanding my H's behaviour that I am missing and you - if you were willing - might help me to find it. I will answer your questions and perhaps ask a couple of my own?

How do you get your H to understand this? I believe it goes back to doing things that are counter-intuitive. You point blank told him what you needed.

I did. So I don't think this is not that my H does not understand. He's not a stupid man and we have had frank conversations where I feel that he has computed the meaning of what I am saying.

Lately, my lady is frustrated with my lack of "helping with the dishes". In the morning, I brush off all the snow on her car, start it so it is warm for her. When she has been saying thank you, I say "My pleasure, thank you for taking care of the dishes". I can tell with this new way of responding to her, that she is less frustrated about the dishes thing.

This sounds like a familiar dynamic. If I might ask a question? If what would matter to her is having help with the dishes, why not do that? They're your dishes too, right? Why insist on Not Doing Them and turn a thank you into a passive aggressive reminder that you're also doing your share in other ways? Why not leave her to do the car herself, as she might care about that less, and speak to her in her language rather than insist she learn to receive love in the way you feel like giving it?

I am a physical touch and words of affirmation woman. We have done the 5LL quiz together. My H is acts of service. I make him packed lunches, make him coffees, make sure he always has ironed shirts in his wardrobes and I do his laundry and put it away without him ever having to wonder where it is or how it got back into his drawers. He knows my love languages. I'd rather he looked me in the eyes, touched my hair and said something sweet to me than he scrape the windscreen on my car. But he insists on scraping the windscreen (then complains about doing it - possibly because he doesn't find me grateful enough) because that's what makes sense to him.

What are the two of you doing for fun together? I have a standing "Date night" (or two) every week. No R talk. We go out and see live music or she sings karaoke.

This is really an area we could improve on. We're going out together this Friday night - first time in several weeks - since before Christmas, anyway. I hope if we leave R talk and parenting talk to one side we still have something left to talk about.

I feel extremely angry at him. Hurt. Abandoned.

Totally understandable. How do you let this go? Are these feelings helping you get closer? I have to work hard at forgiveness all the time. I tell myself, fix me. Change the way I am interacting. goggle radical forgiveness. Very good thought process.


I memorized this quote a while back: "Change the way you interact, forces a change in the relationship." Helps me make things better.

What needs of his are you meeting? What needs of his are you not meeting?

He tells me very often he needs more time than he gets alone. We both tend to work during the day, though he has some evening and weekend work and I don't. In the morning we rise together, breakfast, take care of the kids. I take Youngest kid to school and go to work. We both arrive home roughly at the same time (I collect Youngest from after school care). We take turns in cooking. Both kids clean up after dinner - that's their chore and they're good about doing it. H will put Youngest to bed while I supervise Eldest in homework or spend some time with him. That takes us to about 8-9pm. H prefers to spend the next few hours wearing headphones, watching television and eating. I go and have GAL or read or craft in another room. He gets ratty if I disturb him. His only request is for quiet and time alone and time to pursue his interests. I am clearly not meeting that need, but short of throwing him back out to his flat I am not sure how I could do more.

He's also expressed a wish for mornings and evenings (when the kids are around) to be quieter and more organised. I generally do most of the household administrative type work and school pick ups and drop offs. He makes breakfast. There's very little shouting or arguing - sometimes Youngest has to be told a time or two to get her stuff together. I have asked specifically about what he wants from me in this area and he hasn't been able to clarify. I think he finds being around his family stressful and he'd like me to fix that for him in some way.

I am still not a big fan of words, but if needed ,can you reflect his words back to him. " I did this, not because I wanted to, but because I understand your needs ...."

Yes - that's a good idea and in the past I have tried to to exactly that. It angers him: he says it is a manipulative technique that proves I only do nice things for him because I am trying to 'extract' (his words) some form of love and affection from him. He said this in front of our MC a long time ago and she didn't seem to take him up on it so I am presuming his attitude here is reasonable, though it didn't feel like it to me at the time.