Moved over from Newcomers...

[Wanted1]

DV,

I was going to respond but see that doodler pretty much hit the nail on the head with what I was going to say. That is my exact mindset. While I would never create a scene in front of my kids and make some dramatic ordeal out of the situation, I can stand up for what I believe is right by simply telling them that this is my time with them and that I already share 50% of my time with their mom and numskull (I wouldn't use that term) and therefore this is their time to share with me.

They are young (8, 7 & 4) so they don't understand the dynamics of what happened or the situation at all, yet. What I don't want to happen is when they are older and they DO find out, because trust me, they will, I don't want them to look back and wonder why I basically kowtowed and accepted him into our lives with no resistance whatsoever. Like doodler said, that's a weak, milquetoast way of handling things. I want to set a good example for my kids by showing them they need to be strong and stand up for what they believe in and not to condone wrong behavior or essentially be 'OK' with people who have wronged you.

exW reached out via text this morning to explain that she was going to be at the basketball tourney this weekend and that S4 can sit with her during the games while I'm coaching. I asked, "is AP going to be there?" and her response was "No." So, that's a relief and just a sign that they respect my wishes that he not be present around me. I told her that S4 can sit with whomever he wants (my parents and my sister and her family are coming, too). My guess is he will float around amongst them all and that is perfectly fine with me. If he was going to be attending, that wouldn't be happening. I'm sorry, I'm just not able to allow that when they are on MY time.

Juju,

I agree with you in some aspects on not understanding that forgiving a person is for you and not them. I think that's just an easy way to explain it and there is much more to it. TB basically responded with what I mean in that forgiving a person frees yourself from all of the negativity and junk that consumes you and robs you of joy, happiness and simply time you spend dwelling on them/the sitch. That is the part where the forgiveness is for you and not them. However, that same forgiveness benefits them as well. So, while it is for you and your own mental health, it's also for them, too, and that's the part I get hung up on....

I am not going to come out and articulate to either my XW or AP that "I forgive you" because that lets them off the hook in some ways and as I shared above, sort of condones their behavior which is a show of weakness IMO. In all actuality, what it's doing is saying, "hey, you ruined my family unit and hurt my kids, but it's OK! All is well, we are good!" I basically already did that twice in my M. My exW went outside the marriage two other times in the past, both with 2 of my best friends, and I forgave her and look where that got me? Her actions ultimately showed she didn't respect me as a man or a H for doing that. I wonder if I wouldn't have been so quick to forgive and move one if things would have transpired differently moving forward.

BUT, where the "forgiveness is for you, not them" statement derives from is more or less not letting them consume your thoughts, feelings, etc. And I've gotten to a point where that is true. I don't forgive them and at this point in time I find it unlikely that I ever will, but their actions and the situation as a whole isn't at the forefront of my mind anymore. It doesn't rob me of the joy I've found in life because of it. For me, there can be both. I can not forgive but also reap the benefits that forgiveness brings you in that it isn't negatively impacting my life.