I think that saying that you forgive someone else for whatever they did is pretty grandiose statement. It stems from a personal level of wanting to control the situation. I think the focus has to be self-forgiveness. I don't even think about whether I am forgiving my ex or not, it doesn't even cross my mind because I think in the grand scheme of things, it is irrelevant. There are thing you can control and things you can't. What I can control is how I act in this world for myself and my kids. Does this mean sometimes I have to bite my tongue or do something because it will be better for the kids, absolutely. But that is what emotional maturity is about.
In terms of laying down the law with the OM/OW, it all depends on context and I don't think there is a 'right' way to do things. I couldn't have laid the law down like doodler because exW and her bf live together and he's going to be around my kids. All I can control is how I parent and co-parent and address any boundary issues that may arise. So far the bf understands what his role is and where he stands.
As J said, my revenge also comes from my happiness and being able to be a way better man than I was back in the day. It has nothing to do with exW.
I just don't think there's any point holding on to anger, resentment etc. It just eats you up inside. The more you're focusing on forgiving the other person, the more you're giving away your energy to something that is ephemeral and will have no tangible improvements in your life.
That's why the saying 'revenge is a dish best served cold' is so apt. You want to serve it 'cold' - meaning that you have equilibrium and chill temperament, rather than serving it 'hot' with anger, resentment etc. Serving it hot means you will burn your hands on that plate while you serve it.
Practicing self-forgiveness and self-love, and releasing judgment on your past self is the best roadmap out of this predicament.
