And here is a summary of my situation. In Spring 18 I discovered H in a short lived but very intense EA. We spent the summer in MC - I forced him into it - and he continued to have contact with EA woman, lie about it, and refused to talk about his responsibilities or what we wanted for his / our future. He was going through significant work stress at the time, behaving like a nasty bully and it felt like someone had kidnapped him and replaced him with a monster. Things got worse and worse, his behaviour more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, until he moved out at my instigation in Jan 19. We spent a couple of months trying to 'connect' and do family time but he was still being fairly consistently verbally abusive so I went dark (we have two kids so I couldn't really do NC) in the late spring. A couple of months later, he had a minor turnaround and recommitted to the relationship, got into IC and a couple of months after that, he came home. He says he has been completely transparent about the EA and has no contact with her now. He had made some apologies but still gets angry if I am upset about the past or the way he has treated me.
Things have improved in several key areas: his verbal and emotional abuse of me has decreased to almost nothing, and when he does start on me I stick up for myself swiftly and strongly and he usually responds to that by stopping. I have lots more GAL and support than I ever did. He's more generous and connected with our Eldest (they don't get on and difficulties in parenting styles was a massive part of our breakdown) though that's still in progress. He's transparent about his comings and goings and is generally where he says he's going to be, though I don't keep tabs on him. He has no friends, social life or hobbies and probably drinks too much. Things are cool between us - he complains and whines a lot, I struggle to validate his two-year long pity party. He's given up IC and hasn't really sought meaningful help about his depression / stress / anxiety. I'm in IC and have been for nearly three years.
Where am I today? Well - my head is a bit crazy if I am honest.
I feel on edge and on guard the whole time. Waiting for H to be mean or cold or distant or rude or disappointing in some way. Afraid this is my life from now on. I can leave him and hurt the kids, or stay here and slowly suffocate due to lack of love and affection. I feel extremely angry at him. Hurt. Abandoned. It feels cruel for him to say he wants to come home and be a family again then basically act like we're cordial roommates. I've had some very good work news and I can't really take pleasure in it. I told H and he didn't respond except to say he had no idea whether I wanted him to be pleased for me or not and no idea how he should be reacting. He's the same if I come to him with negative feelings or events that I'd like help and support with. He says very clearly he wants our marriage to be close and supportive. He doesn't seem to know how I should or can support him (he prefers time alone) and clearly has no idea how to connect with me. I have communicated clearly. 'I am feeling a little blue today and what would help is if you could hold me and tell me you love me,' - his response is to either change the subject, say he won't be controlled, or say he can't do it now I've told him to do it because it's just playing a part. I leave him alone most of the time. I have good friends who care for me instead. I am so frustrated. There's no natural human response there - he's just trying to work out whatever it is he needs to say (to what? make me happy? he knows I am not happy and I've been clear about what I need) and provide that. I feel like I am a task or a duty. I don't feel loved or wanted. Today I am very sad and panicky feeling. My marriage has been so difficult for so long and I am not sure that throwing in the towel is going to make me substantially happier: if I want closeness and connection then opting to live alone and go NC isn't the route towards that.
I am tired. I am going to bury myself in work today.
