Thanks everyone. Everything you say is true. I can get through this I just need to keep going. Fake it until I get out of the tunnels so to speak.
I saw the IC yesterday which helped. It seemed like a conversation between friends discussing neurological effect on the brain of different events. Words like dopamine, serotonin, amagdala blah blah blah. It was easy to forget we weren't just discussing theories and the topic was actually me. I did break down once - when she asked me if there was anyone who was there for me (and I think she knew the answer was no). I told her I missed that feeling of someone holding me and of feeling safe. We looked at the situations the tunnels hit and, unsurprisingly it is when my brain is free to wander. When I am alone or when I am on auto-pilot (walking, driving, sitting in meetings) so we are going to work on ways to bring myself out when my brain wanders and also at other 'wellness' approaches. Nothing really new and I know all that stuff already, but it was good to have the conversation.
I also went to a reiki healer last night - yes, I am throwing everything at this. I've seen him twice before, but the last time was about 9 months ago. It turns out he is a CBT therapist as well and he thinks the approaches compliment one another. For those unaffiliated, reiki is a practice of balancing chakras and releasing blockages. Might be complete hogwash, but I always feel lighter when I come out. You don't talk before the treatment and then you spend 15 minutes at the end talking about the blockages they felt. Anyway, he said that my brain is going a hundred miles an hour (no surprises) but the feeling he is getting is not sadness (self blame), it is anger. Controlled anger. I guess he is right. I am angry at the moment. He mentioned problems with my eldest child, trying to convince a man to agree to something, and anger, lots of anger.
*** As an aside, after the treatment, he normally asks me what I saw. I mentioned two images that didn't fit. One of them was of a group of teenage boys, maybe 18, in a carpark waiting for a lift. They all had white blond hair and are wearing the same bright yellow polo shirt. One of them looked right at me.
Straight after the session I checked my phone and I had three messages from someone I met when I was on the OLD. I haven't spoken or heard from him in 6 months. He has white blond hair, is young (25) and his profile photo has him standing in front of a bright yellow wall. We dated twice but, apart from the attraction, it was never going to work, and we both new it. We wished each other well and I didn't hear from him again.
Anyway, we exchanged a few polite msgs, then he asked if I was still single and I said yes, but I am not looking for anyone or anything right now. He said he understood and wished me well again.
The little ego boost was just what I needed whilst I am in this funk. Maybe there is something to this psychic thing and the universe does give you what you need when you need it .
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I also msged H when I was on my way home to see how the girls were. His responses were short and abrupt and he indirectly (though purposely) let know he did not take them back to the house after school as he normally does on a Monday. "We are just leaving the flat. We will stop by the house to get netball gear on way to training". "Girls fine. Back at the flat". He also did not bring our dog back yesterday until the evening. He normally brings her back during the day and takes her for a walk.
I spoke to him briefly when I got home. I noticed my tone was chirpy, "Oh, do you mind giving D13 money for the bus tomorrow" - there is nothing in it. It just does no-one any good if I push him into a corner and he comes out fighting because I am angry at him.
**** May - Yes, I can resist the instigram searches. It doesn't help and just feeds the tunnels. I have come to the realisation that I have been filling in the blanks and coming to the worse possible conclusion. I have no idea whether he is seeing someone or not. I think finding out about chatting to the woman in late Dec 18 threw me and has made me suspicious of him. He was supposed to be working on himself. Not sending texts to (a frankly unattractive and desperate) woman at my daughters school. A part of me knows that was the height of his depression and he was getting a little serotonin (see I remembered something from my session) high whenever she msged him. Much like the serotonin high I got when I got the messages from the boy yesterday. So I will stop.
I have no holidays planned at the moment, but H is taking the kids away half term. I might try and do a short break then if I can get away from work. I've been looking up four day yoga retreats in the UK, but can't find anything that fits with the dates. I will keep looking.
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