I'm glad you're seeing an IC to help with that "slipping" feeling. I leaned on mine as well when that was the overwhelming emotion in my life.
I know the feeling that you feel if you could just keep reliving it all in your brain you will notice the ONE THING that will pull it all together and allow it to make logical sense to you. That if you just keep at it - keep living it - you'll figure it out and survive it all.
For me, only when I started to put it all away and not relive it - that's when it started to make sense. And not in a lightbulb in the brain kind of way, but in a peaceful "I'm going to let this all go slowly and in my own time" kind of way. You need your subconscious to do the work for you - not your active brain.
Which doesn't help you now, because now you're neck deep in feeling it. I'm so sorry. It's the worst feeling.
I will echo Wooba though - you're not a fool. Not at all. You are the farthest thing in the world from a fool. A fool is someone who was duped. You are in a situation that simply changed because....life. You were a partnered couple, and then things changed - you were not tricked, you did not miss the signs. You lived your life fully with all the information available to you at the time. It's just that we all have free will and your H needed to change his life. He's not running away from you - he's running towards something he can't identify, so that looks a lot like running away. The result is the same maybe.
