Hi Cardinal, thx for checking in on me...very sweet of you. I’ve caught up on your sitch and it still amazes me the similarities. I don’t know how much I can help except to offer that I went through the same thing with my MIL before Christmas. 2months in she sent me an email saying that they are upset to hear the “news” and that they hope I’ll be ok and take care of myself”. WTF? I struggled with what to do and decided to pick up the phone and call. How do you just let your “second” family be snuffed out like that...and we are/were super close. Anyway, the convo did not go well...I very lightly did try to explain that something felt off and that H wasn’t himself. I was met with “well these things happen”. And “do you have a lawyer”.!!!! I think it was either DnJ or Job who pointed out the obvious that blood is thicker than water and there could be many other thoughts going through MIL head too including in my case denial that there is anything wrong with her S.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I internalized a lot of what H said during BD and sometimes still have trouble understanding what I need to accept responsibility for in our R and what I can let go. The nature of BD—I had a lot of criticism coming at me at once, including the hurt and anger of his question: how had I not known he was so unhappy? Why would I change only now? It's that pull into his negative view of our history. I still need that outside validation from time to time to feel like I'm not going crazy—I couldn't have known because he didn't tell me. Of course I would want that validation from MIL.
I too struggle greatly with this. At times such clarity but then (like right now) such doubt and how could I let things fall apart so badly. I too wanted validation from outside people (his family included) especially because he continues to work and function successfully and “seems” completely normal to an outside person. He’s masked hurt and disappointment for so long he’s become a master at it. In my case there was no validation from MIL just lots of denial and pretty much “oh well you’ll find happiness” it felt very flip and obviously still hurts.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Add to that, that people don’t know what to say. Lots want to fix things. Not see you in such pain. Find a quick solution for you. Of course that isn’t helpful and comes across misunderstood by the one suffering. Empathy is different than sympathy.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think this is probably true. She wants to encourage me to move on, to accept D, because she doesn't want me to hurt. And she knows it's pointless to try to change H's mind. If she says something to this effect in our conversation, how to respond? MIL, I will hurt either way; I am not planning to put my life on hold, but I have faith that H and I could have a stronger relationship in the future.
DnJ is very right. They really don’t know what to say and they definitely don’t understand the situation like we do...and anyone that is in your circle of caring definitely does not like seeing you in pain. I like your response should your scenario play out like that. To further add...right before Christmas I was to meet with SIL alone...I looked forward to this to shed some more light as to what was going on ... in a caring I don’t know what to do way. Well things changed and MIL came along. It def derailed how much I disclosed and I decided to just tell MY truth with respect to how I planned on handling the situation. I left out any details of how he was behaving etc because truthfully they are going to believe what they want anyway. I decided the only important thing for his family to hear was that I believe in my vows, that he’s burnt himself out and that I’m choosing to stand by him by giving him the space he has requested but live my life as best I can right now. The SIL knows there is more to the story and MIL is still in denial.
I know you also mentioned about getting upset but that’s part of your truth too...it is upsetting. I know we spend so much time not letting H see us upset and I tried SO hard to not get upset during that Xmas meeting, but It happened and I’m ok with that.
Do you plan on leaving the ball in MIL court to reach back out to initiate a get together or phone call?
