Stranger In My House Part 2

[HesAble]

... Letting him stay or not, you need to let your emotions settle first. You are full of resentment right now, and you shouldn’t make any decisions when your feelings are running high.

I am definitely full of resentment and not really sure at this point when those feelings will subside. I will try to wait until my emotions are not running high. I had already started preparing my speech justifying why he needs to leave ASAP.

[job]

Please do not say or do anything until you are in a calmer place. The calmer you are when you speak to him, the better. When we are emotionally charged, we tend to say or do things that we can't take back.

Also, have you checked out either online or w/a lawyer as to how all of this will play out if you ask him to leave? What would you be entitled to, how much support he would pay, etc. I would check all of this out before I opened the door and asked him to leave.

Step back for a few days and breathe. You will know when the time is right to broach the subject of him leaving.

BTW, one last question...what will you do if he says no? You might want to think about that response too.

[HesAble]

Please do not say or do anything until you are in a calmer place. The calmer you are when you speak to him, the better. When we are emotionally charged, we tend to say or do things that we can't take back.

Also, have you checked out either online or w/a lawyer as to how all of this will play out if you ask him to leave? What would you be entitled to, how much support he would pay, etc. I would check all of this out before I opened the door and asked him to leave.

Step back for a few days and breathe. You will know when the time is right to broach the subject of him leaving.

BTW, one last question...what will you do if he says no? You might want to think about that response too.

I was planning to ask the lawyer how to proceed if he says no. Guess I should figure all that out before speaking with him, as well as give myself time to calm down. I am just so sick of him. He needs something that will shock the sense into him. He is walking around in his own bubble acting as if he is unaware of the emotional impact that his dumb decisions are having on our family. The marriage is completely dead and will need a miracle to be resuscitated at this point.

[Pommy99]

HesAble, I have asked/told my H to leave a couple of times in the last month. Both times were a reaction to something he had done to betray me. The response I got was a sulky acknowledgement that he would find somewhere . But he hasn’t found anywhere, he’s not actively looking (he’s viewed one place and dismissed it as unsuitable). My point is that he doesn’t want to go, and i don’t want him to go. He now knows that I’m not following through on my requests for him to leave - what message does that give him? As others have said, only say it when you know you mean it. I’m not at that place right now. I’m close, but i need to work on myself more before I make that decision. I know you want to shock him so that he will see sense, but everything I read here tells me it doesn’t work like that.

[HesAble]

Going to see a lawyer soon to get educated on my rights. I have to come up with a list of questions in preparation for the consultation. I am assuming there are no resources here at DB about legal questions one should be sure to ask. One will definitely concern how I can get H to leave. Ultimately I wish he would get his act together so I would not need him to leave at all, but he seems unwilling or unable to do that.

[HesAble]

HesAble, I have asked/told my H to leave a couple of times in the last month. Both times were a reaction to something he had done to betray me. The response I got was a sulky acknowledgement that he would find somewhere . But he hasn’t found anywhere, he’s not actively looking (he’s viewed one place and dismissed it as unsuitable). My point is that he doesn’t want to go, and i don’t want him to go. He now knows that I’m not following through on my requests for him to leave - what message does that give him? As others have said, only say it when you know you mean it. I’m not at that place right now. I’m close, but i need to work on myself more before I make that decision. I know you want to shock him so that he will see sense, but everything I read here tells me it doesn’t work like that.

You make a good point that I should be sure I am sure before asking H to leave. I think I am just growing more and more frustrated and impatient by the day. I do need to do some more work on myself before I ask him to go, particularly in terms of finances. It is just that the emotional toll this is taking on me seems like too much to bear sometimes. I am trying to detach, 180, GAL and everything, but inside I am an emotional hot mess.

[wayfarer]

Ok this is probably going to sound patronizing but do you have a physical outlet? I mean I really enjoy my rage cleaning when I'm struggling, but that coupled with running and my dance class helps me sleep like a baby. I lose no sleep over him at all any more. I'm so much more emotionally stable when I'm exhausting my body and getting a full night of sleep. I've been following you along for a while and while he's just behaving terribly, I wonder where you're at that you're still taking this like it's a personal attack on you. I know at this point you've read over and over and over he's terrible behavior has nothing to do with you. It's all about him. He's being selfish as h3ll, so guess what now's the time for you to be selfish.

How much of your GAL is self care? How much of it is making yourself feel pretty, and mentally or spiritually nourished/stimulated, and pampered? Here's my deal. I buy myself flowers EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY. I do face masks 2 or 3 times a week usually one with each girl and then one night just for my not teenage skin. I take a full on candle lit bubble bath every other week. I try every week but I usually don't have the time. I've been getting my nails done. I started actually scheduling hair appointments for 6-8 weeks out. Something I totally stopped doing when I was depressed well before BD. I read all the time now. Which I stopped doing for a really long time, well before BD well before depression. I got my happy butt back in the kitchen. I don't cook every night now so when I do I make it good. Granted these are all things that make me happy and your self care might look different than mine.

GALing means a lot of things. And I'm wondering how much time you're taking to make yourself just feel good. Not to prove to him you're nonchalant about his gallivanting. Not to make him wonder where you're at or what you're doing. How much time are you spending each week just loving the h3ll out of yourself since he isn't?

[may22]

Hi HesAble,

I second Wayfarer's recommendation around self-care. I also had an issue I wonder a bit if you're dealing with as well-- I had a difficult time spending money or time doing things just for ME. Kids or family, NBD. But something that was just for me was hard for me to justify, unless it was just a little bit of $ or time. I think that this dynamic isn't all that uncommon for moms especially, and I wonder if that might be something for you to think about a bit. You're really focusing on his behavior and how it is selfish and disrespectful to you... maybe just a little bit of that is motivated by feeling like you're the one standing, you're the one doing all the heavy lifting, you're the one running the household and the kids and doing it all and he's just out and about doing whatever he wants? it feels so galling... but maybe if you can take back a little of your power to say YOU can also do things that make you happy, things just for you, and with enough support and care for yourself right now you might lose a little of caring so much that he's off being irresponsible. My H is actually the one who has encouraged me in this area and I'm really glad he did. Be a little bit selfish. You deserve it and need it.

Also, FWIW... I did look into the legalities of asking my H to leave our jointly owned home and it really isn't all that simple. (I did ask him to go a couple of times in an R convo right after I found out the extent of his A and he said no.) Originally when looking into it, I thought if I filed for D, once he was served I could ask for a temporary injunction to get him out of the home, and technically I could. But turns out in my state judges generally won't grant them unless there is the threat of physical harm or the house is so tiny that it is not feasible for the spouses to live together. Also, in my state, anything he spends on rent or anything else doesn't come out of his assets, but out of our assets jointly (the only exception to this is if one spouse starts spending flagrantly on crazy stuff, then the judge will generally assign those debts to that individual during the D). Unfortunately, it isn't all that simple.

How many things have you done on your GAL list, with or without him? Maybe you can update us every day on one thing you've done just for yourself?

[HesAble]

Wayfarer and May22: You are both so right. I need to focus more on self care, not to prove a point to him but simply to make myself feel good. I have been getting biweekly manicures and I bought myself a few new trendy pieces of clothing. Before M, I loved fashion and sort of lost that in the saving-money mode of being a mom and wife because we had other priorities. Wayfarer, I love the things you are doing and I may start doing some of them myself (e.g., candlelit baths, weekly flower purchases). I used to love reading and need to pick that back up.

May 22: I think it would be a good idea for me to check in daily on what I have done in terms of GALing. That will force me to get my mind off H's actions and on ME. I need to have some fun for a change. I definitely have been resenting that he can just go out and pursue happiness and fun at his leisure while I am at home scrubbing toilets, helping with science projects, rolling out the trash, and cooking casseroles. Seriously... Thanks also Wayfarer for the heads up on how your state law affects your ability to push H out of the house. I am sure my state has similar protections for my H which is why I will not mention it to him until I know my legal options which are likely pretty minimal.

[HesAble]

Wayfarer and May 22: GAL activity of the day- treated myself to one of my favorite lunch spots and am looking forward to tonight when I will start a new book I have been meaning to read for months and enjoy a new face mask I just purchased :-)

Yay me!