Has anyone confided in someone about the BD and MLC-ish behavior, only to regret it because the person becomes pessimistic and even a bit condescending. If so, how did you deal with it?
May and I have talked about judgement. Here’s the deal everyone knows what they’d do in your shoes until they actually find themselves there. A lot of people are like people who don’t have kids who say “I’d never do that.” And then they have kids and that “never” becomes a vague and distant memory. Or given this time of year let’s go with there a lot of Monday morning quarterbacks regarding how one should deal with this. If she’s your best friend let her know you need her support not her judgement. Standing is what you’ve chosen, for now. But that’s your current position and you’d really appreciate if she could respect it.
I have let a handful of friends in. As he and OW got more brazen on FB I had to let a few other people in I hadn’t necessarily planned on letting in. To be honest it’s helped me find people who were willing to meet me where I’m at because infidelities are all around us. I have a couple close friends who nag about me allowing the disrespect. Or feel they absolutely have to tell me how disgusting his behavior is because my not reacting apparently means I’m unaware of how crappy it is. I don’t know exactly. I do a lot of reminding of what detachment is and let them know I appreciate the big emotions for me, because that’s love, but they have to understand I know how awful it is but this is my path and that path requires me to remain unbothered. When I further explain it’s me like this which seems aloof and not reactive enough for their liking or me in a ball on the floor sobbing with no tears because I have none anymore, unbathed, and unfed for days which would they prefer? That usually ends the convo.
Today when I talked to the pessimistic BFF, she started asking questions about H and I just politely said, "You know, I think I want to stop talking about and focusing on him so much." Her response was, "Great. I hope you keep that mindset." What I meant was I want to stop talking about H with her! So hopefully she will not be offering up advice to stop standing for my M because I will try to avoid talking about M with her so much. Background: She is divorced (she left her H who did not want a D in the midst of what I think may have been her own MLC so she definitely cannot relate to standing for a M like mine).
Last edited by HesAble; 02/02/2008:07 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Good for you. You did the right thing. There are some people out there that want to hear all of the drama and then add in their two cents of advice, comments and/or opinions. It's best to change the subject because you don't need others telling you what to do or what they think about your situation.
If she should come back around and ask questions, change the subject or just say, I'm not focusing on that today and then leave it be.
Only you can decide when and what you want to do about your situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I had been strong enough to keep my marital problems to myself but I really needed to talk to someone, particularly around the holidays right after the BD. I should have just vented here and to my IC because now I face the judgment of friends who cannot understand at all why I would stand for someone who is disrespecting me to such a degree. Even when I explain that I took my vows very seriously and believe that the covenant was also with God, I still get the "Huh? Well, God did not mean for you to be a doormat" kind of comments. And when I say that I also am giving it my all for the kids so I will have a clear conscience that I was not selfish and tried to keep my family intact, friends are like "Well, nobody should stay just for the kids. Many single moms raise their kids solo and they turn out just fine."
Last edited by HesAble; 02/03/2003:38 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
My situation is so hopeless. The weekend has come to an end. H has spent less than 24 hours at home this weekend. His moral compass is completely gone. There has to be an OW. I know DB says don't snoop and pry to find out details, but I am wondering if I should hire a PI to have ammunition in the event we end up getting a D (it looks more and more certain that we will get one because H's behavior seems to be getting worse rather than improving).
I am trying to be patient. Praying. Waiting. It has only been a short time but it seems like an eternity. I do not know what I would do without this board. You all have talked sense into me more than once when I have been ready to give up and throw in the towel.
I am just not sure if the M can be saved when H has shown such disrespect for me. There is one thing to fall out of love with someone, but you could still show them respect. Staying out all night elsewhere several nights a week is disrespectful to me, but also to the kids whom he knows are aware that he is away a whole lot more than normal. They are also aware of the tension in our M although I have tried to pretend all is well to the extent possible without flat out lying. I do not understand how the wayward spouse can risk everything, even their relationship with their kids, for their own pursuit of happiness. Unbelievable!
Last edited by HesAble; 02/03/2012:24 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I didn't understand how mine of (now) 31 years could walk away from ours where I make 4x the money and he doesn't have a viable plan B. I finally got it through my head that it isn't required that I understand it. That is the way to freedom from the craziness. I firmly believe now the only way forward to to accept things as they are right now, give them what they want (freedom) and remove your presence. How that takes shape in your situation, I don't know. I didn't have kids. If they are going to see the error of their ways, it isn't going to be while you're still in Plan B mode. The veterans here all say that and it's easy to accept in theory but hard to put into practice. Everyone has a stop loss (to use a market term) if they have any functioning regard for themselves. Where's yours? Mine hit and I walked away. And now mine is sort of creeping back in this direction. I don't care. Until he is all the way back, he's just another acquaintance that I may or may not engage with.
My concern now is the kids. H is disregarding how this impacts them. He may care but he is trying to ignore the signs to avoid guilt for spending nights away, I guess. Guilt would be killing me if I did the things H is doing but he has no moral compass.
I want him to leave the house because I am tired of the disrespect, but I don't want the children to suffer from H being gone all the time (versus a few nights a week). It is like having to choose between two bad situations.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I just want to have a clear conscience that I did all I could for the kids. They will be devastated if he moves out although he already has one foot out the door. Also, we share household bills and I am not fully prepared to take on the financial burden of covering everything on my own.
I plan to consult with a lawyer but just curious...for those of you who asked your H to leave, how did you do it? In my state, the H has a right to live in the marital property, I believe, but I am checking with the lawyer to see what loopholes are available.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/03/2002:05 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
You keep saying that your H is disrespecting you, which means you still have expectations of him showing you respect. Let it go. Stop focusing on his actions. You cannot judge him based on your set of morals and values.
If you feel like things would be better off for you that he moves out (yes first figure out the legalities), the kids will be alright. Because you will be more sane and they will feel it. I told my kids the truth that daddy is now staying somewhere else, and so far I think they are better off with him not around all the time. he was like an emotional unstable ticking time bomb when he’s here. Of course they miss him, but they are doing better than I imagined. I’m not saying your children wouldn’t be devastated, but if the good outweighs the bad, maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as you think. Letting him stay or not, you need to let your emotions settle first. You are full of resentment right now, and you shouldn’t make any decisions when your feelings are running high.
