Oct 17 - Mar 18 : BD followed by 6 months of (him) I am moving out, I am not moving out, I love you but it's hopeless, anger, hate, and spite. Moments of tenderness. Slow detachment from family life. (Me) Begging, pleading, walking on eggshells in case he blows, trying to GAL but finding that that blows back on me (resentment).
Mar 18 - Dec 18 : becomes an excellent father. Takes the kids frequently, present, attentive. He starts to detach from me fully - though he is consciously trying to be kinder. Still very much a presence in the house. Occasionally we sleep together (initiated by me). Sept 18, I run into him on a night out with the girls. He is on a date. I go mental at him. Two days later we have an R talk (first since he moved out). He says it is only casual (3-4 dates, no sex). He does not say how he knows her. I beg him to come home. He hugs me and I try and initiate sex. He says no, it confuses him. We never talk about her again. Two days later a discussion about the children escalates (I am passive aggressive and hurt) and he mentions separation agreement, then he asks me if I want to join him and the children for lunch. I say no. We don' mention separation / divorce until Dec '20 (now). Christ '19. I tell him I still love him. He walks away. I start seeing someone at work in Dec. Casual. Nothing but a flirtation but it takes my mind of H.
Jan 19 - Dec 19: limbo. We do not talk about us EVER. We co-parent well and both concentrate on the kids. Occasional passive aggressiveness from him whenever I say no to a request or mention something that I am doing (outside the 'family'). His family slowly detach - embarrassment for me, loyalty for him. I stop seeing the boy in Jan 19 and then start OLD in June. I hate it and stop 3 weeks later. I discover he is OLD in July. Hurt, but no resentment on my part. Surprised but not surprised. I push it to back of mind and carry on. We are friendlier but not friends.
Present : we need to make some hard decisions about the family home (financial reasons). He wants me to keep it but financially it is an arbitross for me. D13 is suffering from anxiety and depression and he (we) think selling the house would break her. He guilts me for this. A week ago I found out he was 'chatting' on messenger to the lady who works in D10's school (back in late 2018). She turned bunny boiler on him so he stopped. Think it was friendly as opposed to flirty. He shouldn't have done it and I am embarrassed (as is he).Strangely, until about 2 days ago, we were sending messages to each other ALL day. About the house, about D13, about the separation, about the woman he was chatting too etc. He offered to help me with a couple of things around the house/my car. I came home the other day and he had cleaned the entire downstairs.
Then, 2 days ago I started to put a stop to it. Various conversations have escalated (home, D13) and I have made it clear that I do not like him treating the house like home. I have also made a few passive aggressive comments about what he has been doing the last two years. Hurt people hurt people. The last few days he has not come inside the house. He has waited in the car (when dropping the kids off) or waited at the door. When he has done this I have made a show of rushing the kids out ("quick kids, daddies waiting for you"). No 'do you want a cup of tea' etc. He has not been around to walk the dog. I have made it uncomfortable for him to be here.
I can feel myself slipping - I suspect he is seeing someone but not serious. I start looking at his Instagram (via the children) to work out who she is and randomly google people on his followers/following list. I feel stuck and am constantly thinking about what he is doing/thinking etc. I feels a bit like a tsunami - all the discussion about the house, D13, uncertainty about work, finding out he was talking to that woman and finally realising that he is dating someone. It is unhealthy and I have started seeing an IC (for me) and have engaged a solicitor. I am considering filing.
That my friend brings us to today. During this long and comfortable/uncomfortable limbo, there has been some amazing holidays, wonderful moments with the kids and moments of kindness and even friendship from H. He still keeps his secrets, but they are coming out now, slowly. I still don't think there was anyone at the start, and tbh, I don't think there has been anyone he has seriously considered since. Just a man who blew everything up and then was to ashamed to admit it - so he walked the path he'd made himself. When I am being rational, I will be able to accept that. Right now, hurt and feeling alone and a fool, it keeps me up at night.
