And we keep moving on.

[Irish M]

Privious thread:
Standing our ground - together as a family


my first thread from the beginning for those just joining.

Wife gone deep into the tunnel?

As you might know my XW is poking her head out of her hole once again. She just had a birthday so i'm sure it stings a little not seeing her girls. Not fun having her blame and point the finger and not look inside but it's part of the process. Also Part of my recovery. Seeing the irational thinking she has only confirms to me she is lost. Not my fault, not my circus and I'm happy to be off the train.

thanks to you all for the support. ANd i hope those quiet readers gain some insight to this horrible thing called midlife.
thanks for the hugs and well wishes.

GERDA: the denial she has for her past actions is incredible but it's so her. If I look back she had that trait long before her running away into crisis. She would always brush things off. Not face anything and act like yesterdays disagreement never happened. Many red flags that I see so clear today.

OWNIT: oh mine to were called many names, not only thieves. Crazy talk from a mother who who never say anything negative to them.

She did write the girls . I'll go into that down below.

KML: yes its unbelievable how it can affect people in diffeerent ways. i know so many now that my eyes are open to this crisis. People who don't see their mom or dad. They would rather avoid the person who caused them so much pain as children.

DNJ: yes I too think she has made progress. She said she can remember some things but not all. What she remembers is screaming at them and driving dangerousely. Slaming on the brakes and my daughters in the back seat flying forward hitting themselves on the back of the front seats. In her mind it was because they made her mad. They questioned her about the hickies on her neck. They provocked her. Again she would have not done that if they had just minded their own business. In the past I would mention this and she would say it never happened or can't remember. Now its coming back to her in pockets. Progress

PEACE : Yes rock bottom I think is needed. SHe did say her BF hit rock bottom when she met him. Saving him from his own MLCr was her priority. He was an LBS. It for sure made her feel better about her own actions.

JOB: you are right on the money. The email was short. no warmth. No real meaning. I'll explain below.

BUTTRFLY: Yes her conversation was painful at first. I did brush it off very quick. Then my thoughts turned to pity for her. She will sadly have to deal with reality if she ever does come face to face with the girls. They won't be as nice as I was.

DEJAVU6: Yes it is all up to them. they are adults now and they will chose what they want to accept or not. They have told me if she bad mouths me in any way they will walk away. If she blames them they will walk. Maybe as they get older they will soften up or maybe as this goes on. They will just accept it that their mom is no more.

So after my conversation with my XW. after hearing her tell me about how she saved her current BF from rock bottom. I think it pushed me to another level. Not of forgiveness. More of thank god I am where I am.

I didn't need anyone to save me. I saved myself from the LBS. It wasn't easy. I had a lot of help and guidence from this site. But I didn't need 1 person to save me.

him however.

He was a LBS. She felt sorry for what he went through. His wife of 18 years leaving him with his kids. Now this was 16 years ago. During those 16 years he became an alcoholic and a pig towards all women. I know this because the town he lived inabout an hour from my house is small and I know many people there. Also my GF friend lived acrossed the street from him. She shared more than what i wanted to hear.

a perfect candidate for her to save and feel good about her own horrible actions.

Now onto the email..

I briefed the girls on the phone call. They both asked how do I do it. How I put up with her poking. How i stay calm. I said simple. I do it for them. If I didnt have kids with my XW. I would not entertain her calls or emails.

so a day later a single email comes in addressed to both girls.

Hi girls.
I think its about time we talk. You should both call me.
I can't explain what I did and why via email.

I think it would be good for both of you if you could tell me what’s on your mind.

I want reconnect with you both and start from fresh .
I’m here and will always be.

Love
Mom

so the girls read this and rolled their eyes. My D17 got mad. Questioning the part of starting fresh. I told her that she can't assume her mom will not discuss the past and want to just move forward with acceptance.
D19 said she's not ready. Deleted the email and said I bet she won't try again for a while.

I guess she wants to see more attempts. I think she is right.

Now I could email XW and tell her to keep trying. Soften up a little and maybe start the conversation with a little explanation. But i won't . I don't think that will help anyone. It needs to come naturally from her. For the girls to accept it as real it has to be real.


I will stand back and support my girls. It's been a few days since the email. They seem fine and haven't talked about this since. Let's see how XW plays this.


have a good week :-) hugs to you all.