Thank you all as always for reading my posts and sharing. ❤️ (Heart)
Cardinal, thank you for checking in it really means sooo much. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure myself out and also taking Jobs advice and reading HaWhos threads. I’m having a difficult time right now internally and find I’m putting on a happy face while not genuinely feeling happy and I don’t like that. I’m a very happy person with a wonderful sense of humour...it feels stifled.
At times I have such deep patience and other times none...with both the situation but more so myself. At times such deep understanding and other times I think this MLC is all in my head and he’s justified because we let life / jobs interfere with our M. But then I’m not a mind reader. I certainly wasn’t unhappy and had no idea he was.
I feel like he’s stolen my memories of how wonderful our R and M really was and is ... and I can’t get it back. I think this is what causes part of my sadness. I’m so early into this and have allowed his insecurities to cloud my brain.
When I’m strong I hear the knowledge from this site and I know he had to tell himself (and me) something to live with himself and justify his behaviour but if what he spewed at BD IS truly what he believes...(nothing to take care of w/ no kids, roommate relationship, and he has no voice therefore no reason to stay together). How does he ever change that line of thinking without growing up and having an adult conversation? <I know control myself>
H is behaving so normal right now. Still in the cave and ignoring me more than ever...yet when he does surface he speaks politely and mostly tells me where he’s going. I’m not complaining by any means because I know how much hell others go through with significant others leaving/returning or being secretive but it is still very confusing to me, plus it’s in my face when he’s here and not working a ridiculous amount of hours/days in a row.
I feel I’m craving a conversation, not to guide or control him or the situation but to get some truth bombs off of my chest. I thought I was off the rollercoaster last week...today is a bad day.
Thanks for the vent session ....feeling slightly lost right now. The sadness is overwhelming at times.
