Nice weekend wrapping up. Spent Friday night at friends for appetizers, some wine, and Jenga. Last night 2 girlfriends over for an Asian meal prepared by yours truly, more wine, and good conversation while working on a puzzle. Today started with church, as usual on a Sunday. Then I dug out a huge root ball and lots of plants in an area I want to re-landscape, and sawed down a huge branch while D20 held the ladder for me so I didn’t kill myself. I then hand sawed about 8 or 10 nice pieces of wood I’m saving for the next camping trip with D20. I love being productive like that! It was very satisfying, and I didn’t think about H once during all that hard labor! Bonus!!!
Soon I’ll head out to a Super Bowl party with my friend at her brothers house. I’m like part of the family now. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know who is playing. I’m going for the food, commercials, and maybe another glass of wine! (no, I’m not a lush, LOL) *****************************
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Grace21
The financial agreement is weighing heavy on my mind too. Will the document change anything?
Not really.
The business side. Non emotional.
You know the advice - Let the MLCer do the heavy lifting unless you need financial security or protection. Neither of those, to date, have been an issue or concern. That could change, and you can deal with that then.
An actual document would formally split your assets, that’s about it. From the business side.
And unless you are wanting to marry someone else there isn’t a legal need either.
Emotional side. Yeah, that always different.
I'm putting a lot of thought into this. A lot. Perhaps that is a problem for me. You are correct, DnJ when you remind me that to date, I don't really have a financial problem that must be dealt with. The one time I did, I took care of swiftly and decisively (the condo purchase and taking equal $ for to save in my own account). And you are also correct that the legal side in not a worry unless there is someone else in my picture, or, I might add, that I know I am 100% ready for D.
Something I realized this week. H has not clearly said he doesn’t want a divorce, he’s willing to do the work, and he is leaving OW and wants to see if we can work it out. Bits and pieces have come out here and there, but never a clear statement.
Why do I want one? Do I want one, or is this just an observation? TBH, I am fighting expectations a bit. I think that is in part because I am spending too much time on mulling this over.
On looking back at our conversations last week, he in fact got a little huffy after our meeting in that it’s clear I want a D so just give him a number for the pension. I had responded is it really that clear to you? Because it wasn’t to me. There was a lot of very deep insights and words exchanged, and it ended with him writing:
“Well there was a glimmer of hope for me somewhere in this note and here it is. I’m working on killing the demons and figuring out how to extricate myself from my current situation. I love you still. I always will.” This week H informed me he had an appointment with the therapist. Afterwards, he sent me an email:
“Well, first session is what it is. Kind of getting to know you thing. I know this will be a long-term thing……..I’m covering a lot of the same ground we covered with (our therapist) and to some extent what I covered 10 years ago (with another therapist. So we shall see. I set up another for next week.”
I was a bit surprised that he updated me. I responded:
“I really appreciate you feeling free to let me know how it went. Yes. You will have to rehash quite a bit, but I hope you don’t mind me saying that perhaps she (the T), will be the one to help you free yourself from a cycle that never seemed to make you happy.”
H: “Well that is the goal, isn’t it? [smile face]. I’m ready to get real”.
I realize that I am impatient. I need to regroup and get back to my life, and not worry about his or a potential future us.
H and I have a tentative plan to see each other in a week to discuss my expressed desire to still have a legal document in place.
So, the question is: What do I want to change for the time being going forward? What is it I’m trying to accomplish? I will need to be clear on the why if I feel I need one. For myself more so than for H. Here are some possibilities:
1. I want to keep the pressure on for H to show action, not just words. But, things to consider include: Pressure or no pressure won’t fix anything. In fact pressure could very well be the worst thing for me to do. This all has to come from H’s desire to work on himself, change, and then do the work for reconciliation if that is what he, I, we really wants. And he did take action this week. Meeting #1 with therapist under his belt. So, there’s that.
2. I want to have basic financial protections legal in case he does decide to disappear. For example, include alimony, splitting any kids expenses 50-50, freezing any withdrawals (for him and me) from our 401K, get my car in my name alone, and if he continues to stay on the house deed, share expenses for home improvement projects. This could be done with a “post-nuptual” agreement. I would imagine I could even draft something up and we can get it notarized.
Mmmm. Writing it out like this, #2 seem more in line with my needs at the moment.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Some of the first advice we ever receive is focus on you. .
I definitely need to get back to that in a major way.
Originally Posted by DnJ
That counterintuitive wisdom heals you and gives you the best chance at a future reconciliation. Which I honestly believe is possible for you. What do you want?
If I am truthful? I want reconciliation. But not with the old H, for sure.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Find and follow your beliefs. Regrets will be far less.
The last thing I want to do is make decisions before I am ready and be filled with regret for the rest of my life. That sounds like a prison to me. So I will get on with life and see what happens.
