VICTORIOUS IV

[sandi2]

((((Oz)))), I can't begin to know the fear and loneliness you are experiencing. I doubt many people would, until they are in that position.......including your W. I hope she will give you the emotional support and love that you need at this time. However, she is probably going through some fear, associated with feelings of guilt, but I'm just speculating. Guilt & fear makes us behave in strange ways sometimes. I've seen people show different types of avoidance whenever they learned the news that their loved was facing. Some people stay away, act cold, ignore the situation, etc....... b/c they didn't know how to cope with it. I've known several people who mentally tuned out reality, and tried to convince themselves everything was okay, and would not listen to anyone tell them differently.....especially, their loved one. Perhaps your W has tried to keep blinders on throughout this ordeal, b/c of her inability to cope with the harsh reality of your diagnosis...... or maybe it's due to her own poor mindset. I'm not excusing her actions, I'm just saying that sometimes those you love and need the most, don't know how to deal with the serious situations in the best of ways. I really pray that she will find the strength and selflessness to put her H's needs ahead of her own.

She doesnt know how to behave around me. She is coddling me and I dont like it I have talked to God again and again about what i should do about her. she has been very tender to me and nice and huggy and i ll cook whatever you want for dinner

We women, (who usually are natural at comforting & nurturing), often don't know how to act around a sick man, depending on his temperament, pride, ego, etc. Some men make terrible patients, b/c they don't want the coddling, and attention from their W. May I suggest that you simply tell your W what you need from her. Keep it short, kind, and simple. Don't expect her to automatically know what you want.

Im scared and alone and I want to remember what it feels like to have that person who is more important than everybody else to love you and the rest of the world and cancer and chemo and fear and regret could just for a moment be gone because that person loves you.

I tend to think your feelings are completely normal. Have you shared that with her? Like I said, she may not know how to cope, or be able to give you everything you need emotionally from her.......but if you don't tell her, how will she know? It will be a guessing game for her. If the MR had not been in crisis, then her responses might be different, but since it was, this makes a double whammy for the relationship. That's not to say things can't get to a much better place. I just think you need to take down any emotional barrier, and tell her you need to have the best relationship possible, at this time. Maybe a counselor could help both of you as you face this challenge together.

This all may sound as if I am contradicting previous advice regarding your marital sitch, but IMHO, this critical illness adds another dimension that exceeds a lay person's advice on a marriage forum. I think you need to get whatever professional help is available to guide you and your family through this extraordinary pathway. While it does include the MR, it mostly revolves around your emotional wellness and physical health needs. We don't come into the world just knowing what to do about these type of situations. We usually have to get help from someone educated on the subject. You want to experience the very best in a MR, and who wouldn't? With some professional guidance, she may be able to give a lot more emotional support. I honestly don't know if your intimate relationship will get to the 100% you desire, but how many MR's do? I'm just being honest. If you seek professional assistance in how to interact, communicate, and give support during this critical time, instead of going in for help with just the "marriage relationship", then I don't think it would chase her away. If you say you want counseling for the MR, then she may run. See what I mean? Critical illness puts a ton of stress on any relationship. A professional counselor who deals with relationships and critical ill cases, should be able to help her understand better from your point of view, as well as help you stay as balanced and realistically as possible about the MR. Your medical facility may be able to recommend a counselor to help you, even if your W didn't want to go.

If it helps you to come here and write about your feelings, or whatever, then know that we are here and will read what you have to say. Know that we deeply care and are so saddened that you are facing this horrible disease. You are in my prayers, dear Oz.