((((Oz)))), I can't begin to know the fear and loneliness you are experiencing. I doubt many people would, until they are in that position.......including your W. I hope she will give you the emotional support and love that you need at this time. However, she is probably going through some fear, associated with feelings of guilt, but I'm just speculating. Guilt & fear makes us behave in strange ways sometimes. I've seen people show different types of avoidance whenever they learned the news that their loved was facing. Some people stay away, act cold, ignore the situation, etc....... b/c they didn't know how to cope with it. I've known several people who mentally tuned out reality, and tried to convince themselves everything was okay, and would not listen to anyone tell them differently.....especially, their loved one. Perhaps your W has tried to keep blinders on throughout this ordeal, b/c of her inability to cope with the harsh reality of your diagnosis...... or maybe it's due to her own poor mindset. I'm not excusing her actions, I'm just saying that sometimes those you love and need the most, don't know how to deal with the serious situations in the best of ways. I really pray that she will find the strength and selflessness to put her H's needs ahead of her own.
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She doesnt know how to behave around me. She is coddling me and I dont like it I have talked to God again and again about what i should do about her. she has been very tender to me and nice and huggy and i ll cook whatever you want for dinner
We women, (who usually are natural at comforting & nurturing), often don't know how to act around a sick man, depending on his temperament, pride, ego, etc. Some men make terrible patients, b/c they don't want the coddling, and attention from their W. May I suggest that you simply tell your W what you need from her. Keep it short, kind, and simple. Don't expect her to automatically know what you want.
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Im scared and alone and I want to remember what it feels like to have that person who is more important than everybody else to love you and the rest of the world and cancer and chemo and fear and regret could just for a moment be gone because that person loves you.
I tend to think your feelings are completely normal. Have you shared that with her? Like I said, she may not know how to cope, or be able to give you everything you need emotionally from her.......but if you don't tell her, how will she know? It will be a guessing game for her. If the MR had not been in crisis, then her responses might be different, but since it was, this makes a double whammy for the relationship. That's not to say things can't get to a much better place. I just think you need to take down any emotional barrier, and tell her you need to have the best relationship possible, at this time. Maybe a counselor could help both of you as you face this challenge together.
This all may sound as if I am contradicting previous advice regarding your marital sitch, but IMHO, this critical illness adds another dimension that exceeds a lay person's advice on a marriage forum. I think you need to get whatever professional help is available to guide you and your family through this extraordinary pathway. While it does include the MR, it mostly revolves around your emotional wellness and physical health needs. We don't come into the world just knowing what to do about these type of situations. We usually have to get help from someone educated on the subject. You want to experience the very best in a MR, and who wouldn't? With some professional guidance, she may be able to give a lot more emotional support. I honestly don't know if your intimate relationship will get to the 100% you desire, but how many MR's do? I'm just being honest. If you seek professional assistance in how to interact, communicate, and give support during this critical time, instead of going in for help with just the "marriage relationship", then I don't think it would chase her away. If you say you want counseling for the MR, then she may run. See what I mean? Critical illness puts a ton of stress on any relationship. A professional counselor who deals with relationships and critical ill cases, should be able to help her understand better from your point of view, as well as help you stay as balanced and realistically as possible about the MR. Your medical facility may be able to recommend a counselor to help you, even if your W didn't want to go.
If it helps you to come here and write about your feelings, or whatever, then know that we are here and will read what you have to say. Know that we deeply care and are so saddened that you are facing this horrible disease. You are in my prayers, dear Oz.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
this critical illness adds another dimension that exceeds a lay person's advice on a marriage forum. I think you need to get whatever professional help is available to guide you and your family through this extraordinary pathway.
I agree with Sandi. You lead your family through this. Enjoy life each day, Get things in order at the same time.
Google this 32IrLjwr1MY
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm so sorry Oz. If you have any upcoming weekends free where you'd like to go on an outdoor adventure or do some US travel, let me know. I plan trips somewhere--on a shoestring budget--every week or two. You've gotten some great advice from Sandi and everyone else. A big hug to you, mate.
Hey Oz... I haven't chimed in too often on your thread, but I do follow it. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Stay strong, take care of yourself... do as much as you can to feed your heart and soul. Make sure to spend time with those you love and who lift you up.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers...
--HJ
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
You aren't alone. Take advantage of the time you have. You make me want to make the most out of today and cherish every moment. Be the best dad you can be and don't worry about all the garbage you can't explain or can't control. You're a good guy.
This makes me think of Memento Mori. R2C taught me this. I hope you can stay calm in the face of all this and make the most of it. Good luck, friend.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Oz, this really breaks my heart to read. I am so sorry. There are just a few threads here that I take special interest in and always read when updates pop up and yours is one of them. You've grown and become so much stronger in your time here and I've enjoyed being on the journey with you. I just buried my father last Friday so I'm once again facing the reality that the clock is ticking for all of us. He was found on his bathroom floor, apparently he had a heart attack. And just like that he was gone. I'm not sure whether it's better to go suddenly or with some warning so you can prepare yourself, but unfortunately that's thrust upon us and not a choice we get to make. I hope you're able to do some things that you really love with the time you have left.
Originally Posted by ozman
then I needed to talk to her about food for everybody tomorrow and she wouldnt answer the phone. I called her like 4 times and when she did answer I basically let her have it for not answering and kept asking her why she wouldnt answer.
Just try to keep in mind that this is a big shock to her too. It doesn't seem fair that you should have to support her when it's you going through this, but you do. She may have just needed a little space to process it all.
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To be honest I just want to be with my wife again. I want to feel what it feels like to lay with my wife as a man while my body still functions. I want to feel like a man while I still can. I want my wife to hold me and me to hold her and for a moment I dont have cancer. I want to go to work (I still am working) and come home and kiss my wife and hold my son and we go to bed and have the most passionate sex in the world. Because according to the doc, I dont have long of that left.
Well this isn't DB'ing but DB'ing is a long process and your time is short. My opinion is you should sit down with her and tell her the above. If she has any love for you at all then maybe she can try to meet you halfway. And if she doesn't, well chalk it up to "nothing ventured nothing gained".
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according to the doc. I dont have time to start a new relationship. maybe but its not likely.
What you have left is your life Oz, so you do what you want to do. Talk to your W, if she's not receptive then go out and find someone else.
I truly believe that our souls transcend the human body. There is something to each and every one of us that defies the definition of flesh and blood and evolution. A unique spark that's been embedded in these finite bodies for a time. The body passes and that spark moves on to something else. Another plane of existence, or maybe to be reborn again here, or to the place religions call Heaven. Your body may die but you won't Oz. This chapter will close but there's more to be written in your novel.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/05/2003:20 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
