Can anyone offer me a little perspective check on these stories I’m telling myself? I’m telling myself he doesn’t seem depressed right now like he has for the last several months. My inclination is to doubt the last 16 years and the love I felt from him (I know I didn’t imagine it! Yet...)
First those stories aren’t stories.
I know how it feels as we tell ourselves these explanations to this behaviour that is so out of character for our once loving spouse. You know. You can see his behaviour. You are also finding a handle on your emotions. Beliefs are being crafted, slowly.
We all need a certain amount of understanding, both intellectual and emotional, to let go, to accept. To let go of self doubt, fear, worry; and embrace confidence, strength, compassion. To find our way to our light.
The path is not easy, it’s dark, with many twists and turn, pit falls, set backs, pain, sorrow; and yet there is joy, happiness, and peaceful times. The further you journey the less and less of the dark remains and the light shines through. Honest.
To doubt your past, the last 16 years, is a common hurdle of the LBS. You know what you lived. You have letter, gifts, pictures, memories of better times. It was real.
An MLCer rewrites their history. They have to. They are driven to such extreme measures, justifications are made, history is changed and believed. They absolutely believe their new view on life. And they will expend enormous energies to maintain they fantasy reality. Anyone and anything that gets in their way or threatens their version, is mowed down.
The LBS, being scared and stunned and still wondering what the ... happened, is programmed to believe their spouse; that loving person of many many years. We take what they spew right into ourselves. We unwittingly believe it. It takes effort and time to transmute that poison and excise those demons of doubt.
Do not rewrite your own history! An LBs at first lean toward the bad side, having listened to our spouse. Then pushes hard towards the good side, usually making things better than they were.
Time and patience yields clarity with our remembered history and a great many other things. It is the wisdom behind such advice as: Dig for patience. You have the gift of time, use it well. Sit quietly and answers will present themselves.
Originally Posted by cardinal
His friendliness toward me lately has nothing to do with his desire for D, which, based on his reaction to my move, is unchanged.
Mind reading.
His friendliness towards you could be based upon many things. He doesn’t even know why. So you cannot be expected to know why. He is confused and emotionally driven. Be patience and focus on you.
Originally Posted by cardinal
He feels nothing toward me.
He appears to feel nothing towards you.
His emotions are cranked to 11. He has to mute and ignore his feelings for you. He can’t handle them. Time and space is very much needed for him. If you do not give it, he will take it. That’s why the advice of no pressure, and lots of time and space.
Originally Posted by cardinal
My inclination is to read his lack of interest as a reason to give up hoping he could feel and understand things differently in the future, but feelings change.
Expectations my dear. Keep them at zero.
His lack of interest a reason to give up your hope? No one gets to take away your hope!
Hope is powerful. It also needs to be focused. Or more specifically not focused upon. You focus on you, and hope for him.
Originally Posted by cardinal
But my biggest takeaway from this should be that I am brave and more confident and capable of change. Maybe he will see that at some point too, but it is important that I see it.
It is most important that you see your growth. Live it. Live in the light. Everyone around you, including H, will see it too. Remember all this growth is for you. That is your focus. Become the best version of you.
Yes, you have shown you are brave and more confident. Those are big takeaways. There are much bigger ones still to come. Have faith and walk your path.
Everyone needs a certain amount of understanding to move forward. I’m glad to see you are looking for it and moving forward at the same time.
Well done.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
