Thanks Alison, actually we talk best when out walking so a race would have worked and also been something fun to do together (it's not a proper race but a run-walking one), we've not done anything fun in a long time so that is why I suggested it. Anyway, he said he was not well enough to do that and asked when I would be back. I said that Saturday would work better for me and he rearranged things to come over yesterday and we took ds2 for his activity and went for a walk during that. He clearly wasn't feeling great because he kept asking me to stop walking fast, for decades he has been a much faster walker than me and I always struggled to keep up. Very strange. His health problems are partly sorted but he still has some symptoms which he is getting investigated. Personally I think these symptoms might be psychological rather than purely physical (you can't really separate them, I know). H looked pale (he usually has a year round tan) and generally unhealthy. He complained incessantly about work, his health, you name it he complained about it. I did communicate the things I needed to about domestic stuff so he is in the loop, definitely better done in person than via phone or text. I validated his many complaints whilst internally rolling my eyes and sighing, he is such a victim right now. Still, if he feels terrible and has to work an 80 hour week no wonder he is complaining and has no room for anyone or anything else in his life. He has a lot of work politics right now and is (probably rightly) paranoid and untrusting of his colleagues. Hey ho. I think I might be his only confidante about work stuff right now, I assume that is the main reason he sees me. I used to offer alternative ways of seeing things, but now I just support and validate, he needs someone on his side. This work stuff also affects our finances, so it is much better to be in the loop than out of it from that perspective.
I did not enjoy seeing him, he was a bit of an emotional black hole. After seeing him I felt quite depressed that he is so pathetic. I also despised him a bit, I don't like him very much right now. Ding right now would be stupid though financially, so I will stay in limbo a while longer, I don't want to disrupt things before ds1's final exams in June either. I don't really hold out much hope for R, I can see him staying in this pity party for a long time, and nowhere in this is he taking any responsibility for anything in his life. There is nothing I can do about that, and I no longer feel like that is the worst thing ever. I realised that for a long time he held me responsible for his feelings (still does?) and I might have done the same to some extent, but I no longer do that. Some degree of detachment. I feel a bit like I'm keeping him as plan B...
This career transitional stage is hard for me, and I am feeling daunted so I am going to spend today making some lists of next steps and researching where to start. I did not share any of this with H. He did ask if I was job hunting and I said not right now, and he asked about the tiny bit I need to do to wrap up my last project and I told him, but I don't feel safe sharing the other stuff with him yet. I also told him that I do not plan on getting a full time office-based job any time soon because our kids need me. I don't really get what the sub-text to his question about me job-hunting was. Is this a D-based question? Or is it his fear of me abandoning the kids like he was abandoned? I don't know and not sure I can be bothered thinking about it. When I take ds1 travelling for a few weeks in the summer H says he is going to have to arrange to spend extra time with ds2, he keeps badgering me for dates so I think the abandonment thing is a contender. I'm not sure how I feel about him spending lots of time here, but ds2 will still be at school so it is unavoidable.
I have lots of lovely things lined up for next week so I'm looking forward to it
