Well, may and wooba, I did try to initiate and got turned down. H was home tonight and it was comfortable between us, so I decided to go for it. He seemed a little weirded out by my move and said sorry. I said “That’s okay—I’m not going to doubt myself anymore.” He came by my room a few minutes later and apologized again and said he doesn’t want me to feel weird. “It’s okay, I don’t,” I said.
We’ll see how I feel about this tomorrow, but I’m proud of myself for being brave tonight. I was feeling a bit sad earlier tonight thinking I had the chance to be intimate with him before and now maybe I’ll never get that chance again. I’m glad I didn’t let fear stop me from trying. The only thing I’m worried about at the moment is it disrupting the openness he’s shown me the past few weeks or prompting him to file sooner. Oh well! I’m not sure if I should address it further and assure him he shouldn’t feel weird or that I didn’t have any expectations of R, but I was very casual about it tonight. Hopefully he kind of gets that.
