Stranger In My House Part 2

[HesAble]

Today is another angry day. H stayed out all night and I want to choke him. He comes home like he has done nothing wrong at all. It is unbelievable. In his universe, saying he does not want to be married means he is automatically not married and is automatically free to do whatever he pleases. He has no moral compass.

I really want to talk to him to see where his head is but I realize that would not be a very productive conversation, mainly because he is a coward who never wants to say anything major about the M to my face. He would probably just stare at me and say nothing which would frustrate me even more. He texts me messages about any major M issues; even the BD was via text.

I take my vows very seriously and see them as a covenant not just with H but also with God. H obviously does not see M this way but knows I do and I feel like he is using it to his advantage to "bully" me. My BFF says he is a narcissist and I am starting to believe that.

I am definitely not in love with him anymore. How could anyone be in love with someone who is mistreating them this badly and showing absolutely no remorse? I am starting to question even if I love him now. I was able to overlook the way he treated me but now I feel that he is disregarding even the emotional effect his behavior is having on the children (they are starting to show signs of concern about his being out so much and he is aware but still continues this pattern of behavior); that disregard has made me dislike him a lot to the point the love I had has drained slowly away. I love him as a person due to my religious views that we should "love" even the most unlovable people, but not the way a wife loves a husband. He has destroyed that love, I feel. I have worked hard not to hate him, however.

I say all this to say: when both spouses lose love (like they can't even say ILYBINILWY), can love be restored? (He clearly does not love me as is shown through his actions). Has this marriage been destroyed beyond repair? I am beginning to feel like a fool to try to stand for this shell of a marriage; maybe there isn't even much left of the shell anymore. This is so sad.