Today is such a hard day

[oceangrl]

I am having such a tough day and would appreciate your perspective, support, and hope.

I posted previously here:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882453&page=1

As a review, I've been married for 23 years. Three children. My husband had a 2 year A with a good friend of mine. It's been three years since then. I didn't find DR right away so I made all the mistakes you can imagine. He has put up an emotional wall with me since Thanksgiving when he said he felt like we needed to divorce because there wasn't an emotional connection. He was disappointed when I didn't agree to the easy, let's do it together, amicable divorce fantasy. He has a fear of being the bad guy. I have received some great support here and have been doing my best to not talk about the MR, R, or anything else. Trying to GAL. I've been doing really well.

But today is so hard, and I need help with my discouragement. I am really, really sick. I am on antibiotics and in bed. And I am feeling my loneliness acutely right now. I just wish I had someone who cared about me and would take care of me. He is here, but been downstairs or with the kids, and I have been taking care of myself. I am just exhausted and so sick. I had a severe kidney infection and it has kicked my tail. I've been taking care of myself, getting water, making food, doing the dishes because they piled up.

So I kind of lost my DB cool. I mentioned my frustration with needing help. I told him I know he doesn't like to be around me or touch me, but it really reminded me that I have no friends here (We moved here). No one to care about me or take care of me. Yes, I know, I blew it and said all the wrong things. He got so mad at me. He said he was giving me space and said I was hurling some heavy accusations at him. All while not coming near me. Compassion and empathy have never been strengths for him, which he would acknowledge. I told him I was sorry and cried, said I just didn't feel well, and he didn't touch me and sat there. So he has offered to go get some food for me and it being more friendly.

I know he cannot handle me having emotions. When he told me about his affair and I would cry at any time near him, he would get so angry and tell me I was just doing that to punish him. I had zero spine or knowledge back then, so I would make sure I did it alone. I know he still has anger toward me.

He hasn't bought divorce up again. I have no idea why, and haven't romanticized the reason. Not feeling well just brings up all my loneliness and the sadness and fear. I just feel so hungry for affection right now. I realize I sound completely pathetic, but it is what it is. I hate this situation so much. I hate that I have to live this. I hate that I feel like I have no options. I am a stay at home mom and do not work, so I can't support myself right now. And I love being with my kids.

Being sick just causes me to feel so vulnerable and discouraged. I just want to lean against him and feel loved.