Hello everybody A lot has happened since the last time I posted here. I dont even know where to begin. I was just starting to come out of my shell and really start to go out with friends and such without worring about what she was thinking. Then I woke up 1 morning and noticed that my leg felt a bit numb. a few days and a emegerncey room trip later. I was loosing the ability to walk and lost most of the function in my right hand. When the doc could finally see me the news was not good. The tumor has doubled in size and crossed over into the other half of my brain. It has also became a Glioblastoma Mulfiforme. The most aggressive and deadly kind. The usual prognosis is 12-15 months. W did not go to appt with me because my dad had come to town to go with me. she had already asked her boss for the time off but we needed the money. neither of us expected to get the news that we got. When I called w to tell her the news she was floored. The doctor put me on a new chemo that gave me my function back. that is the only reason that I am able to type. he says that he expects this chemo to control the tumor for "some months" and wouldnt narrow it down any more than that. he says that he has a few patients who have survived tor years on this and are doing fine. but thats not the norm.
Obfiously im crushed im scared and I dont want to die
that night laying in bed W held my hand all night. She doesnt know what to say and I dont blame her. She doesnt know how to behave around me. She is coddling me and I dont like it I have talked to God again and again about what i should do about her. she has been very tender to me and nice and huggy and i ll cook whatever you want for dinner
Ive probably had the best day ive had in three weeks today we were laughing and talking and she was calling me and asking how I was doing and all that nice stuff. we are planning on having a bunch of people over for the SB tomorrow. Then she said she was going over to friends house and I said thats fine. then I needed to talk to her about food for everybody tomorrow and she wouldnt answer the phone. I called her like 4 times and when she did answer I basically let her have it for not answering and kept asking her why she wouldnt answer. she could probably guess what i was insuating but I couldnt tell. Im scared that she thinks i was accusing her of cheating and have pissed her off.
To be honest I just want to be with my wife again. I want to feel what it feels like to lay with my wife as a man while my body still functions. I want to feel like a man while I still can. I want my wife to hold me and me to hold her and for a moment I dont have cancer. I want to go to work (I still am working) and come home and kiss my wife and hold my son and we go to bed and have the most passionate sex in the world. Because according to the doc, I dont have long of that left.
according to the doc. I dont have time to start a new relationship. maybe but its not likely.
Im scared and alone and I want to remember what it feels like to have that person who is more important than everybody else to love you and the rest of the world and cancer and chemo and fear and regret could just for a moment be gone because that person loves you.
