DnJ, as always, your words are so helpful and necessarily thought-provoking—it helps me step outside of my emotions and examine them more intellectually. That is a gift. That is going to take me many posts. Ha.
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In truth we are convincing ourselves. We are looking for validation. We are trying to assuage our self doubts.
Yes. Last night, I was trying to pull my fear apart more to see what it's made of. MIL was someone I felt close to and trusted, someone whose opinion I valued and value, just as I did H's. Imagining talking to her after all this time stirs up lots of feelings that I need to process. One of the big ingredients of my MIL-fear is self-doubt; I am afraid talking with MIL would cause me to doubt my own experience.
I internalized a lot of what H said during BD and sometimes still have trouble understanding what I need to accept responsibility for in our R and what I can let go. The nature of BD—I had a lot of criticism coming at me at once, including the hurt and anger of his question: how had I not known he was so unhappy? Why would I change only now? It's that pull into his negative view of our history. I still need that outside validation from time to time to feel like I'm not going crazy—I couldn't have known because he didn't tell me. Of course I would want that validation from MIL.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Add to that, that people don’t know what to say. Lots want to fix things. Not see you in such pain. Find a quick solution for you. Of course that isn’t helpful and comes across misunderstood by the one suffering. Empathy is different than sympathy.
I think this is probably true. She wants to encourage me to move on, to accept D, because she doesn't want me to hurt. And she knows it's pointless to try to change H's mind. If she says something to this effect in our conversation, how to respond? MIL, I will hurt either way; I am not planning to put my life on hold, but I have faith that H and I could have a stronger relationship in the future.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You don’t need to change her views. You can’t anyhow. Remember what and who you can only control. Live and demonstrate your values.
Is that response trying to change her mind? Is it stating my personal values? Is it me thinking that in order to live them I have to state them to her?
What if she thinks I knew H was so unhappy for years and did nothing about it? This is how H presents it to other people. I would feel the need to say: You know H, you know how he says nothing bothers him, he's the happiest person in the world, etc. what he projects—I truly did not know he was deeply unhappy, or that D was ever in his mind. I wish we could have communicated our feelings better to each other.
What if she asks where we are in D timeline, or knows more than I do, because maybe H has mentioned some specific progress on filing that he hasn't shared with me? Me: I don't really know. H has not brought it up since November.
Would I feel the need to mention that in the last six months, he's barely spoken to me? That I've been worried about his drinking, staying out nights, that H is not himself? All that feels like convincing. All that has to do with how he lives his values, not how I live mine. It stems from my need to fend off self-doubt again: see, this is bigger than our relationship—it is about him feeling lost too. It is about dealing with that whisper that hasn't completely gone away: This is all about you, he just can't love you. That is maybe at the irrational center of all of this. I am fighting myself, not MIL.
Well, those are the most present what-ifs, scenarios I would want to feel prepared for.
In the end, even her asking a simple question like, "How are you?".... That scenario. Just hearing her voice will make the situation felt in a new way. I can imagine everything flooding out. I can imagine crying and not being able to continue, worrying she will tell H. I'm probably tipping toward expectation and fear here.
I thought of her as my second mom. But she is H's mom. I don't feel that I can be so open and honest about my feelings with her. And, since I am still living with H, my talking to her feels like a bit of a betrayal. I really don't think he shares his feelings or specifics of our day-to-day situation with her.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Breathe. Calm. Relax.
Phew. Yes. Lots of feelings stirred up just thinking about the possibility of a conversation. What happened to examining them intellectually? I've strayed into them again rather than outside of them, I think!
