It's been a calm week, on the whole. Just two difficult moments. The first was about Eldest, who didn't answer his phone (we were both out in the evening - separately - asked him to keep his phone available and on so we could check in with him, and he did not do that). We were both anxious and worried something had happened, both pretty annoyed with Eldest about it. I suggested we leave it until the morning to address, but H started to tackle Eldest. He began by calling him pathetic and doing nasty impressions of him - pretending to wail and cry and rub his eyes and speak in a high pitched voice.
I noticed my own reaction: in the past this has made me cry or panic when directed at me and when directed at my children I've felt panic and anger. This time I thought he was being silly and ridiculous and I felt contempt and pity. I didn't let it go on for more than a minute or so, but interrupted, told him that behaviour was totally unacceptable then asked Eldest to come upstairs with me, where I spoke to him about why we were worried and upset, and what he needed to do better next time. I didn't get into a discussion about H's behaviour with Eldest - just redirected to what we expected from him and why. Eldest apologised to both of us and went to bed. H sulked for a bit and I ignored it.
I suppose he felt undermined by me (I am mind reading - he didn't say that, as he was choosing to sulk rather than communicate so I could be wrong) but we had a clear agreement that he wasn't going to speak to Eldest - or me - in that way and I don't feel that pretending that behaviour is okay in order to provide a united front to the kids is remotely acceptable or of benefit to either me, H or the kids. H brought it up with me in the morning and I just calmly stuck to my guns - said I was doing what we'd both agreed was a good approach with Eldest, that no-one could blame him for being worried and anxious and that affecting how he responded, but his response was precisely what we'd agreed wasn't going to happen any more and I wasn't going to tolerate it.
He did apologise to Eldest a day or so later, in a pretty blamey way ('I wouldn't have had to act like that if you'd have done as you were asked...') but an apology of any sort at all is pretty remarkable progress on his part so I've said nothing more about it. Still, it felt to me to have the conversation with Eldest. It was a pretty minor matter and resolved quickly but I do note that most of the positive parenting falls to me as H just does not have the relationship or communication skills to do anything but fall back on his usual tactics. Where he is at right now is to either withdraw and leave it to me, or do his usual thing. I don't want to treat him like a child - that's a bad dynamic - and I think I might have. I need to be assertive and clear and respectful in these situations and while I think I was closer to the mark than I have been in times past, I didn't hit it.
Today H has been sitting with his headphones on in the family room. He's exhausted from work and irritable. We have some vague plans tomorrow to go out for the day. I asked if we could look at some maps and make a bit of a plan so we could decide a time on when would be best to leave the house as I'd expect he wanted to sleep in. My timing was bad, I suppose. My intention was something like this, 'shall we make a plan so you get what you need, which looks like rest?' and he heard 'you're clearly going to lie in bed all day so how about I control everything so you can't?' he responded pretty defensively and rudely. I told him his tone was unacceptable and he'd misunderstood me, I rephrased my request to make it clear my intention was to take into account what he needed and wanted. He then wanted to have an argument about whether he was being defensive or not, which I ignored, then he issued us all with a time when we needed to be ready to leave, without really engaging with any discussion. He's back to sulking now.
I could have picked my timing better. All the signs were there that he was not in the mood for engaging with family life. He was genuinely tired and he's not able to sustain the minor progress he's made when he's feeling weary from his work. It is hard to leave him alone when he camps out in the family space, but I could do better at that. I could have looked at the maps on my own and made my own plan and just got on with things - letting him join us or not. Again, this is my being the adult and him tagging along as a child, or not - there's no real partnership there and that's what I am looking for but he's clearly not got the ability to provide it.
If he's still unpleasant tomorrow I will go out with the kids alone (no problem at all there: it was my plan and he can either come and have family GAL or he can stay at home, as he prefers) and he can do as he prefers. He has next week off work and he's already complaining about the things he thinks he must do around the house when he's away from work. I do a fair share of day to day housework and more of the childcare than he does, but there are some general maintenance tasks - some painting and repairs etc - that he has decided need to be done and will spoil his rest on his time off. I'm not going to engage in that. He can do it, or leave it, and if he leaves it well there's nothing there that's urgent and I can pay someone to do it if it becomes urgent.
Other than these things, he's actually been a little warmer and a little better in temper this week. Not exactly cheerful, but talking about his life and asking me about mine - at work etc - which is becoming more 'normal' for us but is a significant improvement on how things were before our separation. We have had some conversation about a summer vacation and he took the initiative in looking for a place to stay, checking it out with me and both kids, and booking it. That's also new and very welcome: it's good to feel that he's planning these things, taking a hand in organising them, and seeking out opinions and thoughts from me and the kids before making a decision. He chose a good place and I let him know I was grateful. He has also been texting me most days wishing me a good day at work (I've had a bit of a stressful time these past couple of weeks) and communicating clearly and reliably when he will be leaving and coming back. He's done a bit more of the morning work with the kids - breakfasts and so on for Youngest - and taken care of a couple of admin tasks regarding Youngest's school trips and clubs which is not usual for him either. I've been careful to express verbally that I am grateful for that, as I am.
With regards to IC / MC. H has decided he doesn't want me to come and see his IC with him - he wanted this for a while I was reluctant, when I finally agreed we couldn't get the dates to line up, I had to back out of one appointment due to illness and we made another, which he cancelled last week pretending it was because I felt uncomfortable about it. He messaged his IC a day or two later and told her he wanted to stop the sessions as he didn't feel comfortable attending with me and wanted to find a different therapist for the two of us. He told me he emailed a few possible MC therapists for us last week. I said if he wanted to attend someone together I'd like to be involved in reviewing their web pages and choosing someone we both felt positive about. He didn't respond to that. He's already sent off a few emails but I have no idea what the responses have been or what his plans are there. It's very confusing. He doesn't seem to know how to collaborate: only to lay down the law or to withdraw. It's no wonder he doesn't really have many friends if this is how is is generally with people (and I believe that it is).
