Learning how to stand, hope, & keep moving

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

his mom's last day of work, which is also her birthday. Should I text her a simple Happy Bday/Happy retirement?

Yes you should contact her. And I’m glad to read you did.

I thought I had a good relationship with her, but after BD, she's never really communicated with me about what's going on. She did send a birthday text to me. She also once sent me a text that, to me, suggested she hopes I'm moving on, which really got to me. I expected her to support me in fighting for our M, but it's true that I don't know how she really feels about BD or what H has told her. I've been really hurt by her lack of support.

People have fears; MIL, FIL, parents, kids, friends, work acquaintances, the list goes on and on.

Add to that, that people don’t know what to say. Lots want to fix things. Not see you in such pain. Find a quick solution for you. Of course that isn’t helpful and comes across misunderstood by the one suffering. Empathy is different than sympathy.

And the one suffering is emotional and busy crafting all manner of irrational coupling of their feelings and fears to various events, people, and situations. Things get mixed up.

I think the only reason I'm hesitating to text her is because I'm afraid she'll text something back that I interpret as hurtful again.

Good for you seeing a reason - “I’m afraid”.

MIL texted you a couple of times. One of which you took to be a suggestion to move on. It interesting what we read into things. This brief and assumed suggestion took hold in you. MIL’s mindset must be against me - kind of thinking. Fear and hurt based reactions - perfectly normal.

Expectations then went unmet which turn to resentment which further feeds your now growing belief about MIL and your own self doubts. All validated because you feel really hurt by her lack of support.

Rationalization. See it. Uncouple the fear.

You are correct, you don’t know how MIL feels, what she thinks about this or you, nor what H has told her. Something else to consider, she is older. Maybe even wiser. Three more decades of experience would probably have her survive a few more of life’s knocks. She might just realize the futility in trying to change her son’s mind.

My parents didn’t fight for my marriage. None of my family did. What kind of fighting would one expect from them anyhow?

This is me now, at the time I was quite hurt and crushed and felt much like you do.

Should I just toughen up—i.e. if she does, why should I let it affect me?

Toughen up - that’s not quite it.

See thing more like growth. Toughen up, especially in matters of emotions, hardens the heart. I kept mine soft and squishy. I wanted to love again, living again, to be able to forgive. So to me that heading and goal needed less toughness and more compassion. Funny thing is soft and squishy is stronger and can take so much more. Hard and ridged will shatter.

...why should I let it affect me?

It does affect you. It doesn’t control you.

That goes for everything.

You affect you. You control you.

It’s a hard lesson to learn. To first understand, then to feel it, and then to actual place it in you belief system.

It’s true that events, people’s comments, actions, behaviours, etc... do affect us. We have rational responses, the intellectual side. And irrational responses, happy, sad, mad, glad, hurt, elated, excited, etc... After the initial emotion(s) has flitted away, it is us who continue to reinforce it.

BD for example is horrible. So much going wrong. Hurtful events and statement. So much to process. Too much to process. Eventually the initial “reason” for our feelings subsides and it is us that is causing our pain. Quite normal by the way, and actually needed to be honest. We grow from this emotional highjacking and gain much control over our lives.

No one has direct control over you. You control, and can only control, your actions, reactions, and thoughts; which can influence emotions and beliefs.

Mastery of “control of self” breaks those irrational chains that shackle one to their fears and pain.

So I did text her, and she responded that it's been a crazy year for both of us (not sure what that means for in terms of her) but that she loves me and always will. She says we should chat soon.

Good for you.

Her response of its been a crazy year for both of us, and that you don’t know what that means in terms of her. You’ve been deep in your own situation, while the rest of the world has been spinning along. She is retiring! That’s a big thing. Formally ending one’s life work - that a big transition. And there is most likely much more.

She also has not hear from you. Says you should chat. You should. And phone not text.

I don't think she really has any idea of how H has treated me the last several months, that he's barely communicated, or that his behavior/drinking has been worrisome. She doesn't live here. I can't imagine actually chatting with her. Maybe if she had reached out to me after BD I would feel different. Right now, I would just feel the need to fight against her outside view of things or convince her things could be different, etc.

Breathe. Calm. Relax.

You are jumping ahead.

Yes, maybe if she reached out after BD you’d feel different. Don’t make decisions based solely on feelings.

I understand and empathize with your very normal need to fight her outside view of things to convince her things could be different. I was there. Got a whole drawer of t-shirts from that particular ride.

In truth we are convincing ourselves. We are looking for validation. We are trying to assuage our self doubts. Gathering our allies and pushing away our enemies. Setting things up for a fight, and fighting does seem to be the default. You can do different. You can do better.

You don’t need to change her views. You can’t anyhow. Remember what and who you can only control. Live and demonstrate your values. Let your light influence others. They control themselves and that is how they change. Fighting is just fighting.

I would call MIL and congratulate her. Have no expectations of the phone call. Let it take you where it will. Be prepared for a few scenarios of course, but don’t expect them. Just prepared to say I’m feeling very overwhelmed with all this and will have to continue another time. If it even came to that. Point is you don’t know.

Fear tangle us, paralyzes us, and we end up looking down paths of futures that most of which never happen. Let go of fear.

Well I fear I’ve rambled on long enough. (giggle - fear, lol)

Have a wonderful day.

DnJ