I love your GAL list - I’m going to do one for myself now I’ve seen yours!
Like you, I want to travel more and have fun weekends. I have an app on my phone called Meetup and I have joined a couple of travel groups for people who want to travel and find others to travel with. I’d def come on your winery tour, lol!!
As for decluttering, I agree it’s definitely a good thing to do. You may find it very cleansing for your soul. As far as the kids -how old are they? Perhaps you could say that you all have too much stuff and there are people more in need than you and that you are taking it to a charity shop. For things you are keeping but packing in boxes, perhaps say that you are planning on a decorating project and will eventually need to empty the room so you are just starting now.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I know it is totally over-hyped, but have you read the Marie Kondo book? It was truly life-changing for me. I would definitely recommend it if you haven't and you want to start de-cluttering... could be an amazing GAL opportunity for you to start free and rid yourself of baggage you don't need (whether you are going to move forward with H or without him). She suggests leaving memorabilia to the very end which I definitely agree with, more so in our current sitches-- don't want to get derailed. Start with the easy stuff like clothes and bathroom and kitchen crap.
With the kids, I also think having them think through what they really need and if they have toys etc that they aren't really playing with, thinking of the kid who could play with it and how much joy it could bring to that child rather than gathering dust in their room.
You've inspired me... I'm going to set aside some time to do this over the next couple of weeks!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I started rage cleaning long before he even admitted to the EA just when I knew about it. Partially because I was digging us out from 18 months of my depression and no one cleaning but me. But also the cleaner and more organized our space is becoming the easier it has been for me to control my emotions at home.
I know it is totally over-hyped, but have you read the Marie Kondo book? It was truly life-changing for me. I would definitely recommend it if you haven't and you want to start de-cluttering... could be an amazing GAL opportunity for you to start free and rid yourself of baggage you don't need (whether you are going to move forward with H or without him). She suggests leaving memorabilia to the very end which I definitely agree with, more so in our current sitches-- don't want to get derailed. Start with the easy stuff like clothes and bathroom and kitchen crap.
With the kids, I also think having them think through what they really need and if they have toys etc that they aren't really playing with, thinking of the kid who could play with it and how much joy it could bring to that child rather than gathering dust in their room.
You've inspired me... I'm going to set aside some time to do this over the next couple of weeks!
ha ha May, we’ve got so much in common ! I was going to recommend the same book but couldn’t quite remember the name of it. But I do vividly remember constantly asking myself “does it bring me joy?”, with every t-shirt, pair of shoes, and everything else I pulled out of the wardrobe!
When H and I were first married we moved abroad. We took all our worldly possessions with us. Everything. When we moved back two years later, there was stuff we hadn’t even unboxed. And we’d paid to ship it. So now, I am quite ruthless about decluttering. I ask myself, if I was emigrating, would I take it with me? And if the answer is no, then I probably don’t need it.
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
But also the cleaner and more organized our space is becoming the easier it has been for me to control my emotions at home.
Gosh, I feel this too. In fact I've been dreaming about an extra day off from work so I can really dig in and wash windows and dust. If we all picked a day to collectively rage-clean/happy-clean/declutter, would that release off some kind of powerful wave of energy?
I definitely agree that I am able to control my emotions more when things at home are clean and more organized. I think I will start decluttering tomorrow.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Today is another angry day. H stayed out all night and I want to choke him. He comes home like he has done nothing wrong at all. It is unbelievable. In his universe, saying he does not want to be married means he is automatically not married and is automatically free to do whatever he pleases. He has no moral compass.
I really want to talk to him to see where his head is but I realize that would not be a very productive conversation, mainly because he is a coward who never wants to say anything major about the M to my face. He would probably just stare at me and say nothing which would frustrate me even more. He texts me messages about any major M issues; even the BD was via text.
I take my vows very seriously and see them as a covenant not just with H but also with God. H obviously does not see M this way but knows I do and I feel like he is using it to his advantage to "bully" me. My BFF says he is a narcissist and I am starting to believe that.
I am definitely not in love with him anymore. How could anyone be in love with someone who is mistreating them this badly and showing absolutely no remorse? I am starting to question even if I love him now. I was able to overlook the way he treated me but now I feel that he is disregarding even the emotional effect his behavior is having on the children (they are starting to show signs of concern about his being out so much and he is aware but still continues this pattern of behavior); that disregard has made me dislike him a lot to the point the love I had has drained slowly away. I love him as a person due to my religious views that we should "love" even the most unlovable people, but not the way a wife loves a husband. He has destroyed that love, I feel. I have worked hard not to hate him, however.
I say all this to say: when both spouses lose love (like they can't even say ILYBINILWY), can love be restored? (He clearly does not love me as is shown through his actions). Has this marriage been destroyed beyond repair? I am beginning to feel like a fool to try to stand for this shell of a marriage; maybe there isn't even much left of the shell anymore. This is so sad.
Last edited by HesAble; 02/02/2012:46 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
HesAble, I'm sorry it's a rough day for you. I nodded at this:
Originally Posted by HesAble
In his universe, saying he does not want to be married means he is automatically not married and is automatically free to do whatever he pleases.
My H hurried toward his new lifestyle after BD, and then took his ring off a few months later, as if his decision meant he was no longer married. I totally understand why you'd want to talk to him, but I also doubt it would be very productive. Where's his head at? It's like you said, he's in his own universe. Of course you know your H best, but I wonder if it is possible he isn't aiming his behavior at you. Maybe he is. Or maybe he doesn't think of how it affects you or the children at all, because he's in his own universe, and he's mostly thinking about himself.
Originally Posted by HesAble
How could anyone be in love with someone who is mistreating them badly? I am starting to question even if I love him now.
I think it would be hard to be IN love with someone who is not treating you with respect. Do you love him now? Do you love him and do you love him NOW are different questions, maybe. Can love be restored? If you don't feel love now, could it return in the future? I tend to think anything is possible under the right circumstances. But maybe that is something you don't have to answer with a definitive yes or no. Maybe that is just an open-ended question you keep in mind.
One of my BFFs has basically made me feel like I am a fool to put up with H staying out all night so frequently. She thinks we are doomed. I wish I had never even confided in her but she is one of my closest confidants. I had a long talk with her today and it has likely left me feeling like the love is gone, the hope is gone....
Has anyone confided in someone about the BD and MLC-ish behavior, only to regret it because the person becomes pessimistic and even a bit condescending. If so, how did you deal with it?
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
One of my BFFs has basically made me feel like I am a fool to put up with H staying out all night so frequently. She thinks we are doomed. I wish I had never even confided in her but she is one of my closest confidants. I had a long talk with her today and it has likely left me feeling like the love is gone, the hope is gone....
Has anyone confided in someone about the BD and MLC-ish behavior, only to regret it because the person becomes pessimistic and even a bit condescending. If so, how did you deal with it?
When I first told one of my best friends about it, I thought to myself after, “wow, if I were her, I would tell myself to run away from this guy as fast as I can!!!!” My friend actually didn’t say that to me but offered encouragement that it is okay to walk away if I decide to do so. But I did stop sharing all the details about our sitch with the few friends who know though, mainly because I realized there is no way they could possibly understand what I’m going through and they might inevitably feel this pressure to offer advice like your friend that I might not necessarily want to hear.
If you don’t want this pressure from your BFF, you may need to set a boundary with her. “I appreciate your concern, but I need time to come to a conclusion on my own.”
