Just journaling again I suppose. His behavior is getting more odd. To the point I'm almost missing the sullen, angry, withdrawn teenager I had been dealing with.
He made a big social media post about spending time with the girls on Wednesday when I was at an event. And yesterday about how it was his turn to make dinner. I know this because a friend texted me with the screen shots asking if he's going for an academy award.
He waited up for me Wednesday, I was at a professional event, and then out for late dinner with some alum from the women's college I went to as a big group were at the event. He was folding laundry when I came home and told me I looked nice for the first time in months. He made some comments about my weight loss (still on the fence on how I feel about that. I can't really gauge if that was him telling me I was too fat for him or if it's interest in my new body. FYI I gained a lot during my depression, but our sex life didn't change so I didn't think my weight was that offensive to him. The body change in the other direction started when I lost a lot from stress in the beginning of all this because I couldn't eat and when I did it wouldn't stay in, but have been consistently losing since due to the working out and diet changes because well revenge body) I tried to walk away from the conversation he started about my night when he yelled out "hey" to get me to turn around and made the comments he did. He later came into the main bathroom while I was getting ready for bed to "put some things away." Things that had been sitting on his dresser for 2 months. And then in the MBR to get clothes for the gym as I was climbing in bed. He has gym clothes in the living room. He also had the whole night to get those clothes. I didn't get home until almost 11pm.
I came home yesterday, I had things to do and got home well after dinner was made. He had gotten a hard to get ethnic (our ethnicity) drink for me, just for me, not the girls. Granted I'm the only one who likes it but you have to go out of your way to get it. Its not at the local neighborhood supermarket. He did leave to go see OW last night. At least I think he did. He didn't say who he was going out to see last night. I just assume. I just want to preface this with that, but he was all conversation from the time I walked in the door. To the point where he was following me around the house before he left to keeping talking to me. I legit started cleaning the kitchen at 8:30 last night so he'd take the hint. He did not. He also felt it was super important to let me know he'd be "home" and wouldn't be that late and he would be for sure going to work to put in over time today. I'm not sure why I'd care about the OT. I didn't really before BD. I don't really now. We only have a shared savings and I cleared out my 1/2 back in December, everything else has always been separate.
I'm not trying figure out what it all means. I know it all means nothing as long as OW is in the picture. He's just as much of mess as he was when he was the sullen teenager he's just in a new skin. I'm trying to ride the newest wave out as he continues to change the game. It's like playing Shoots and Ladders with a 3 year old.
What I do need here is some advice or clarity on the comments on my body and how I look. I do want him to notice my changing body, BUT I don't know how comfortable I am with him making comments about it. He's repeatedly told me how he has no interest in me and never will. I don't know that he should be taking the space to comment about a body he has no interest in. And like I said I don't know if this is coming from a place of "god you were fat" or "oh I forgot she looks like that." Either way he's the one who set the precedence in the relationship of a big distance. Treating us as if we're basically roommates. So him talking to me like that is akin to commenting about a stranger or a co-worker's weight loss. Telling a stranger how well a dress hangs on them is harassment. I feel like I need to set a boundary here. If old H wanted to say things about my body by all means. That's a part of M. What's mine is yours. But the alien saying things like that, while it did give me a bit of a smirk knowing he noticed, it still made me feel a little uncomfortable. Discussions about my body and compliments about how a form fitting dress, albeit a conservative one, looks on me feel like they should be for my H to make. And engaged, loving one. One that participates in my journey, and has some claim to my body. NOT someone who has the title but hasn't touched me in months. Hasn't complimented me in months. Is dating someone while still under the same roof as me. I feel like I really should've shut that guy down a little more forcefully instead of saying thanks and walking away. But I wouldn't have even know what to say.
