Boom-or-Bust and Everything In Between

[Wanted1]

Well, I had the conversation with her. She had been gone over the weekend visiting family and meeting her new nephew. She originally had asked if I wanted to go along but I had a prior GAL activity that I participate in every year. However, due to the weather forecast it was postponed until this coming weekend. We didn't find out about the postponement until the day before she was leaving. As soon as she found out she called to see if I wanted to come with now that I was "free" for the weekend. I declined. I told her it was too short of notice and that I had already scheduled some work stuff that I couldn't miss. While that was true, if I really wanted to go I could have made it work. But, I just wasn't interested in driving 18 hours over the course of 4 days and in reality, wanted some time to myself to process everything and figure out what I wanted and all of that. I could tell she was a little disappointed but she tried to hide it and play it off as no big deal.

Over the the long weekend, I finally made the decision that I need to be honest with her about my desire for not wanting anymore kids. I felt like rather than move forward in fear for having that conversation and essentially leading her on and wasting her time, it was best to just come out with it. So, when she got back Monday she asked if I wanted her to come over and I said sure and that I had something I needed to talk to her about. She came right over and I just came out with it. I told her after the weekend to myself with no kids and no distractions, I was able to process and think through things and I had come to the conclusion that I didn't want anymore kids. That I knew that it was a deal breaker for her and that I was sorry it had come to this. I explained that I was always honest with her including in the beginning when I told her I was open to more kids but a couple weeks ago the question started to surface internally for me. I told her I decided that rather than make a rash decision on what could be a fleeting thought or feeling at that time, I sat on it awhile until I knew for certain. Just as I suspected, she didn't take it well at all. She told me I should have come to her initially when I started having those thoughts so that she wasn't blindsided and so that "we could make that decision together." She kept stating that she wasn't given any decision in the matter and that was disrespectful. To me, this isn't a decision "we" make together. It is a decision that I needed to make without any outside influences. There are a lot of scars and insecurities within her due to past relationships that didn't work out and all of that came to a head. She blamed me for introducing her to my kids which is rewriting of history in some aspects. I didn't introduce her right away but the whole time she was dying to meet them. She then went home to "think" and came back about a half an hour later and grabbed anything she had at my house, loaded it up and left. We did talk a few times over the next couple days via text and one other conversation in person. She did call me drunk later that night after the initial conversation which was very interesting to say the least. I took the call out of respect and tried to validate as much as possible. She then apologized the following morning and I validated her again and told her I held no judgment for the call. We all process things differently and that if I was offended or judgmental toward her, I would have simply not answered or hung up. In the beginning I explained to her that I would always be there to talk.

Looking back, it now feels as though she is very codependent in relationships. I don't know a lot of about her previous ones but I get the sense that she's probably always been this way and that played a part in previous ones. While I didn't notice any of this at the time, her constant insistence on helping with my kids, doing this and doing that and always offering her help in any way on the surface comes across as nice and just willing to help out. Which there is probably some true sincerity in it all. But, I also think she needed to feel as though she was a big help to me and was "needed." I'm just not the type of person that asks for help unless its absolutely needed. There were multiple times she would remind me that she can pick up my kids at school, take them here or there, etc. That's great and I appreciated the offers, but if I'm fully capable of handling those responsibilities, which are mine to begin with, I don't feel as though I should rely on someone else. During the conversation, she told me she felt like she was giving everything and I was giving hardly anything in return. That was simply untrue. I've always been a very generous person. I know fully well that that was her pain and heartache coming through.

So, while I wanted the break to be as amicable as possible, it doesn't appear that that is in the cards at least on the outset. I think with her being much younger than me, every other relationship she's been in has ended in some type of dramatic fashion. She kept insisting that her family and friends wanted answers to why I broke up with her....in my mind I was thinking "What more of an answer can I give her?!" We simply got to a point where we were at different stages of our lives. Part of that I think comes from her experiences in other relationships always ending in some big blow up, drama filled, fashion. She probably doesn't know anything different and hasn't experienced a mature relationship that ended in a respectful manner and essentially drama free. Another thought I've had is that she is trying to find a way to vilify me and more or less hate me. She needs a reason to dislike me because every other person she's been in a relationship with she dislikes now for one reason or another. I hope and pray that once the initial shock and feelings subside, that she will look back and understand the true nature and reason for why I chose to end things and that eventually she will respect me for the way it happened. But all of that is on her and I can't control it. We've all been in her shoes with regard to our M. Granted, at a much larger scale than a 4 month relationship but everything is relative for people. The part that confuses the ever living daylights out of me is when she tries to claim that her family and friends want theses "answers". I don't get why she can't simply state that he changed his mind on wanting more kids, that's a deal breaker for her and thus there is no reason to waste each other's time. Seems pretty easy and straightforward to me, but maybe I'm missing something.....

In actuality, how she's handled this shows me her true colors. Nothing has shown me that it was mistake in ending things with her. Her tone and words have been combative. There has been zero validation of my feelings even really an attempt to understand my point of view. She told me she doesn't understand why I couldn't compromise on one kid if I loved her. Pretty big compromise if you ask me. It isn't like we disagree on wall colors or where to go out to eat tonight. Not to mention, 1 kid probably then in turn becomes 2, etc. etc. I don't regret the relationship one bit. We had a great time together and I enjoyed every part of it. But that was all from the perception of life being bliss when things are going along smoothly and everything is great. In the end she did complain about me not going along with her to see her family that weekend. Like I said before, at the time, she tried to play it off as everything was fine and dandy but I sensed the disappointment and then the truth came out later on. I fear that these reactions from her give me a glimpse into how she would react if something didn't go the way she planned or wanted. I don't want to live or go through what I've already experienced once in life, again.