may, I have been following your sitch, and I'm sorry I don't post more! I've been feeling ill-equipped to give any advice to anyone lately. I seem to remember your H also having resentment about your expressing desire for him now, after years of the SSM. Right around/after BD, when I expressed to my H that I did/do desire him, he seemed really hurt and angry that I hadn't expressed this to him enough before. I think he'd been holding on to a lot of resentment I wasn't aware of, so I was met with the too little, too late attitude. Words vs. actions though--I never tried to act differently. Hmm.
I suspect I'm not detached enough to try anything without expectations at this point; I could imagine his not being responsive to it affecting me more than it should. But also, that's the kind of thing that hurt our R in the past—I wasn't brave enough to initiate! He didn't initiate, but he had expectations and didn't communicate them to me. Grr. Circles, again...
My H basically reacted the same way, he told me that being physically intimate does not translate into being connected to me again, and he was still hurt that I pushed him away all these years. But I know that I am not 100% to be blamed on this, because he definitely did things that made him less desirable for me, and did not communicate to me on certain things when our M was deteriorating. Ultimately he would have to look at himself and admit/accept his missteps in the M for him to stop blaming me entirely for SSM. But that’s a whole other story....
With that said, I almost want to encourage you to experiment for yourself. Other vets may vehemently disagree with me though....ha!!! Test yourself. Be brave and initiate. Be prepared to be hurt because you said you’re not detached enough. It might put you back into square one in terms of DBing. But then you might learn more about yourself afterwards. Whatever H will think, it doesn’t matter. Its not about him, it’s about you.
