Peace and joy continue to beckon

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

You are not a fool for standing nor a fool if you were ever to reconcile.

Anyway, I guess gossip and snickers behind my back wouldn’t hurt me. Maybe I don’t really care what people think. I certainly don’t want that feeling to drive any of my decisions.

Excellent! Don’t let feelings, especially ones influenced by narrow minded and misguided people who have no idea what it is like to walk in your shoes, drive your decisions.

I’ll also add, it is surprising just how little other people actually gossip about you. It feels different, but other people have their lives and those that would gossip turn their fickle attention to others rather quickly when faced with a strong willed and emotionally stable person.

Of course it’s more your feelings that are stirring and matter. You are doing much considering which is good.

The financial agreement is weighing heavy on my mind too. I want H to know I’m not just sitting around waiting for him to figure his life out. Waiting for him to leave her so he can come back to me. Will the document change anything?

Two separate things going on here.

The financial agreement is weighing heavy on my mind too. Will the document change anything?

Not really.

The business side. Non emotional.

You know the advice - Let the MLCer do the heavy lifting unless you need financial security or protection. Neither of those, to date, have been an issue or concern. That could change, and you can deal with that then.

An actual document would formally split your assets, that’s about it. From the business side.

And unless you are wanting to marry someone else there isn’t a legal need either.

Emotional side. Yeah, that always different.

I want H to know I’m not just sitting around waiting for him to figure his life out. Waiting for him to leave her so he can come back to me.

Why?

Why do you want/need H to know?

You are not sitting around waiting. He sees it!

You were very clear that there are steps between OW and you. That several things had to happen before you would even consider anything. He even acknowledged that. Grace, he knows.

I get that you feel you want to ensure he knows. Maybe it is like rubbing it in his face. A perfectly normal and understandable response. And based on emotions. Don’t let your emotions influence your beliefs and thoughts too much. Let those feelings wither, they don’t serve you. Beliefs, follow those.

I know you are living a great life.

Your stand I think is much like mine. Started for your spouse, then M, and now you stand for you.

Standing really starts when you’re healed enough to stand down. And when you’re healed the focus is placed differently. IMO, it’s placed upon values and beliefs you hold dear, not people or relationships. The focus is you, and standing for you.

If you are questioning continuing the path towards separation and divorce - I would listen to that. You have the gift of time, and no need to rush. Continue living fully and let H demonstrate where and what he is doing. You didn’t slam the door shut for a reason.

Does that make me the OW now?

The road to a possible reconciliation is a strange one. From what I’ve read and imagine my XW would be like, yes the LBS becomes a OP in the relationship between the WAS and their OP. These MLCers / WAS / crisis people are not cured at this time. They are maybe awakening a bit. They have choices to make, a history to face, and things to atone for.

The LBS need patience and compassionate indifference. Their deservedly bedraggled spouse/ex-spouse will make mistakes and still need growing up. This is when your inner work really shines out from your lighthouse.

Live your values and beliefs. Live your light. H is watching. If your light speaks to him, he will do what he needs to do.

For myself, I will not be an affair in XW and OM relationship. I would suspect I would be viewed as a OM by OM, and a EA from XW’s viewpoint. That EA would remain an EA and not become a PA. My boundary. If she is with OM, she’s not with me.

Of course that is well beyond my current situation. I am a single man just living his life. I have considered lots and found my peace and acceptance. You are currently engaged in something still theoretical in my life.

Hope has no timeline.

Some of the first advice we ever receive is focus on you. That counterintuitive wisdom heals you and gives you the best chance at a future reconciliation. Which I honestly believe is possible for you. What do you want?

Find and follow your beliefs. Regrets will be far less.

DnJ