How would you respond if when you tell your W, I love you and she responds, I don't feel loved, (with tears, no histronics, calm statement)
What do you do or say to let your W know her efforts are appreciated, that the baby steps are worth it, that it makes a difference that she is trying, (sometimes even succeeding)?
How do you respond when she initiates, what do you do to make her want to bother to try again? That you care and it really does make you happier?
How do you give feedback and reinforce something good that you want to have happen again? How does she know if or what she does matters?
What do you do when she says I need to know that you find me attractive, that you want me, that I matter?
When she tells you she needs transistion time, that she wishes she had an atomatic on switch, but just because she doesn't, it doeesn't mean that she doesn't want a passionate fullfilling love life?
What do you do when she says she's so hurt angry and sad, because she knows darn well that if you got seperated or divorced the sex life between the two would be hot, frequent, high quality connection? And it's horrible to know that?
When she tells you exactly what she needs to be your hot passionate lover? When it's proven that what she says works?
When she lets you know that her words love tank is bone dry and she really needs the connection and needs you to fill it?
My H responds with silence. It hurts. I've told him it hurts. I don't want to start rejecting him due to my pain, but I fear I'm close, yet I know that won't help matters. I fear I'm leaning towards self destruction again, I won't, but it takes so much of my limited energy and resources to fight myself and sooth myself to not self destruct, that I don't and won't have anything left to add to the marriage.
Hi, MorningGlory. Sorry you're feeling so down. If you've been reading the othere threads here, though, then I'm sure you know that help is at hand. Even CeMar is starting to feel it. Hang in there, keep posting, you'll get the help you need...
I know how you feel MG. I give a lot of words of affirmation and get very little in return. I have given 3 ILYs so far today and got a lousy "yes" in return. I have tried to cut back on them recently but it's just not me so I have started giving them again. I thought that by holding back she might say some to me but alas it made no difference. You might as well give them if that is the way you are and look for other signs of love in return. Perhaps moments of eye contact or a smile. I don't think there's an easy answer to this one MG. SD
Quote: I thought that by holding back she might say some to me but alas it made no difference.
That's manipulative, SD. If you have to coerce them out of her, how sincere would you think they were? I have to say, I've been saying that more often, and more sincerely, to W lately. I truly have been feeling it, current difficulties notwithstanding.
I don't think it was manipulative Tim. In truth I was feeling lower than usual and didn't feel like giving as much as I normally do. At the time I thought I'd observe her and see if the extra "space" I was giving her would prompt her to take up the reigns but I didn't notice any difference - probably because I was giving off a negative vibe. I am feeling great at the moment and have given 2 (or is it 3) ILYs so far and quite a lot of physical touches simply because I can't help myself and it's only 10am. She seems more receptive too. I am slowly getting through PM but I find it heavy going. I tend to get to the end of a page and realise that I can't remember a word I've just read. I used to have this problem with Maths fomulae. My eyes just skip over them. It's the same with psychological stuff. I am forming an impression of differentiation though and certainly identify with "gridlock". I'm sure that some part of differentiation is having the confidence to bring up and deal with sensitive subjects that have become taboo of which we have many. SD
Thanks Tim and Dave for the support. I know I really need to work on the whole differenciation thing. Reading the threads does indeed help.
I think what set me off was that I had initiated sex twice recently. The first time was great, everything worked well, lots of passion and desire. The second time started well, yet unfortunately ended as an absolute disaster with me in tears (dissappointment, frustration, not pain). He gets some, I don't. So for the past 1.5 - 2 weeks I haven't even felt the wispyest hint of desire from my body, nor did it seem that H noticed or wanted to either. Then, out of nowhere my H decides he wants some and abruptly turns a bit of fondling into lets do it, just as I'm finally deciding to get my act together, get out of bed and do something worthwile with my day. All of this without a word on his part to let me know he'd changed gears and give me a chance to transition into a making love mindset, so that I might actually be part of this whole grand adventure. Thus H is 3/4th's the way done before I even get to the starting point or even realize that he wants the whole enchillada this time and I'd like to accompany him. I was even starting to get somewhere, yet there he is, done, I get nothing and S5 needs a parent.
Anyway, the other night I think the SSM and all life's other baggage just dumped on me and burried me for a bit. I know H really does love me. He does tell me daily ILY, he's here, he does most things I ask him, he's willing to stop what he's doing to be with me, help me, or take care of a child. He does feed my primary LL of touch wonderfully. Sometimes he does the most incredibly wonderfully thoughtful things that make me completely forget my frustrations and reminds me how much and why I love this MAN.
Why don't you say "Hey, you better not leave this bed without finishing me off Buster" when that happens?
One good (great) thing about my LDH is I almost always get "2 for the price of 1" (LOL). Maybe that's why he's LD, I wear him out .
Timing girlfriend, timing. S5 was on his way up the stairs and had already been abandonded to the tv for far too much of the day. Now, had we been in a hotel with no children, no mom, with a lock, with several hours before we needed to be anywhere or do anything -- I forsee fireworks rocking my world (hopefully). Also a bit of paranoia, sadly being LD right now things don't always work as expected, and I couldn't deal with my bod failing me again right then. And I'm LD enough that it wasn't quite worth the hassle, effort. Oddly though, the thought of mr. vibrator crossed my mind, but, not knowing exactly where it is at the moment, and the effot of getting it even if I knew, made it not worth the trouble this time.
Your post made me smile though, and ya know I got to thinking, the boy owes me -- big time. And I deffinitly aim to collect... soon .... I hope ... maybe (LD talking there). Mostly I need to just let H know, and get things set up for optimum interaction.
Naw, the show would be called "Mr. Vibrator", and would feature a talking vibratory appliance, and be patterned after "Mr. Ed" (the talking horse). Or maybe "My Favorite Toy"... I doubt you could get Ray Walston, tho...
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Timing girlfriend, timing. S5 was on his way up the stairs and had already been abandonded to the tv for far too much of the day. Now, had we been in a hotel with no children, no mom, with a lock, with several hours before we needed to be anywhere or do anything -- I forsee fireworks rocking my world (hopefully). Also a bit of paranoia, sadly being LD right now things don't always work as expected, and I couldn't deal with my bod failing me again right then. And I'm LD enough that it wasn't quite worth the hassle, effort. Oddly though, the thought of mr. vibrator crossed my mind, but, not knowing exactly where it is at the moment, and the effot of getting it even if I knew, made it not worth the trouble this time.
Mostly I need to just let H know, and get things set up for optimum interaction. 