Just to join in the conversation on the intimacy part-- we had a SSM, and me wanting to turn the mother/caretaker mode off and the desire mode on has been a big part of my own GAL and who I want to be post-sitch, no matter what happens. I have spent a lot of time reading and thinking about this (recommend Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel if you're interested) and have focused a lot on how I can bring desire (and feeling desirable) back into my life regardless of H, and have been doing many of those things (working out and losing weight being a big one).
Anyhoo, I know you guys have probably been following my sitch but I do have to say that re-starting the physical intimacy with H has been overall a big positive for ME (though jury's still out on how it affects, if it does, our MR). He had started initiating these middle-of-the-night slam bam thank you maams, which I'd been responsive to, but then felt kind of unfulfilled and he felt all sad and guilty, so I decided no more of those, thank you very much. It was actually when we had THAT conversation-- me telling him I don't want that anymore, no fun for me-- that we had sex for the first time outside of that context.
I had a similar situation as the one you, Cardinal, describe above a couple of weeks ago, when H was still sleeping in the office. We came home from drinks, I was tipsy, he went into his room and I went into mine. Then I was thinking exactly like you were and thought, what the hey. What's the worst thing that can happen? I went in there and it was fun and I'm glad it did it-- but it was for ME, not for him or out of some hope that it would re-spark our R. I want to know that I have that in me, that I'm not the frigid b**ch he'd made me out to be. I also told him explicitly that us being physically intimate didn't mean I was wanting to choose to R with him (this is before I had to tell him that in discernment counseling), but it was for my educational purposes only.
So... I guess my advice would be to really break it down for yourself. If you're really wanting to explore that side of yourself, your H is a good person to do that with as long as you don't have any expectations and neither does he. I figured H is the only one around right now, I'm not embarrassed with him, as long as I can engage without being sad it isn't romantic ML or having expectations that it will lead to something, it does bring value to me.
On the other hand, you might have read Wayfarer's post on someone else's thread (I think it made it to RTC's quotes) about the muffin shop being closed. I totally get and respect that too. It is just for me that this part of me has been repressed or whatever for so long that it is important for *me* to be able to see myself as a sexual being. And I don't know that I need to do it any more now... but the times we did was worth it.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
