Yesterday, H had an interview right after work, he said it would be about 90 minutes, so in theory, he should have been home by about 730/8. He didn't get home until 10 pm. Normally I would have texted and asked how it went, or when he was coming home. I didn't. I painted my nails, watched a movie and didn't even pause it when he came home. He initiated a conversation with me, telling me how it went. I didn't ask any follow-up questions and remained detached. Even when he went to bed, and normally I would go at the same time, I finished my movie and then went to bed.
I'm really struggling with the not engaging him in conversation. I know it's persuing, and not detaching, but it feels so cold. On the flip side, he is asking me for a separation which is also cold.
Well done! I bet you feel better today for it! I did the same a couple of weeks ago when H went out for “quick drink” and came home smashed 6 hrs later. It took all of my resolve to refrain from sending sarcastic texts asking where the h3ll he was. When he got in at 1am I asked nicely if he’d had a good night and left it at that. It felt good knowing that I hadn’t picked a fight and had just let him do his thing!
Yes, it does feel hard not engaging in conversation. It takes me back to the lowest point of my marriage 12 months ago where we barely spoke to each other (except to argue). I feel rude sometimes that I’m in the same room but paying more attention to my phone than him (and this has been one of my gripes with him). He did complain the other night that I was ignoring him. I wanted to scream, well you fired me as your wife, what role do you want me to play ! But I kept quiet (didn’t really know if I should validate at that point). Is your H noticing or commenting on the lessened communication?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Yesterday, H had an interview right after work, he said it would be about 90 minutes, so in theory, he should have been home by about 730/8. He didn't get home until 10 pm. Normally I would have texted and asked how it went, or when he was coming home. I didn't. I painted my nails, watched a movie and didn't even pause it when he came home. He initiated a conversation with me, telling me how it went. I didn't ask any follow-up questions and remained detached. Even when he went to bed, and normally I would go at the same time, I finished my movie and then went to bed.
I'm really struggling with the not engaging him in conversation. I know it's persuing, and not detaching, but it feels so cold. On the flip side, he is asking me for a separation which is also cold.
Bravo! Ever heard the old saying, how do you swallow an elephant? One bite at a time! Detachment is an elephant, you have to recognize the baby-steps! Well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well done! I bet you feel better today for it! I did the same a couple of weeks ago when H went out for “quick drink” and came home smashed 6 hrs later. It took all of my resolve to refrain from sending sarcastic texts asking where the h3ll he was. When he got in at 1am I asked nicely if he’d had a good night and left it at that. It felt good knowing that I hadn’t picked a fight and had just let him do his thing!
Yes, it does feel hard not engaging in conversation. It takes me back to the lowest point of my marriage 12 months ago where we barely spoke to each other (except to argue). I feel rude sometimes that I’m in the same room but paying more attention to my phone than him (and this has been one of my gripes with him). He did complain the other night that I was ignoring him. I wanted to scream, well you fired me as your wife, what role do you want me to play ! But I kept quiet (didn’t really know if I should validate at that point). Is your H noticing or commenting on the lessened communication?
I think he's noticing because when I went to bed, the decorative pillows were still on my side. Although that could also be me projecting because he was beyond exhausted when he went to bed and even commented this morning that he didn't remember if I went to bed the same time as him or not.
I notice that he initiates conversation more (pursuing?) and is sending me more random things through texts, telling me about his day without me asking, calling me for the smallest reason that could be a text etc
That is the hard part - I feel like I'm fired, but being told I'm an important employee. It's so hard.
Bravo! Ever heard the old saying, how do you swallow an elephant? One bite at a time! Detachment is an elephant, you have to recognize the baby-steps! Well done.
Thank you!! I'm really trying. I really want to get through this and use all that I've learned/am learning about being in a successful relationship to make our marriage what I believe it can be.
I posted this in my MLC thread last night but wanted to share here as well, for those of you that have been helping me.
"I think I'm confusing the heck out of my H. He was taking the kids for supper then to swimming. At the last minute, he (surprisingly) invited me to join them for dinner. I declined, ate by myself at home and went to my volunteer hour. After I told him I was going out (no details) but unbeknownst to him, none of my friends were available. I was going to go get a drink by myself, but I'm just not that brave/strong yet, so I went for a coffee by myself. After that, I went to Walmart and came home - 2 hours later than usual. He actually came upstairs to say hi and talk to me - he hasn't done that in 6 months! hahaha, I'm not thinking by a long shot, that we are out of the woods, or that he's changed his mind, but maybe, just maybe I've got him thinking and I'm ok with that."
He actually called me tonight to let me know he'd be late vs just texting and told me to have fun with the kids tonight. He also said he was looking at a 2nd job to help pay things down (vs saying to move out). Still not thinking we're good, but maybe he really is thinking. I have to keep positive thoughts in my head or I will collapse. So many friends telling me how amazingly strong I am.... 'I'd like to thank the academy......'
Ok, I need guidance. H was distant and stressed this past weekend - I GAL and detached. This morning he panicked over something small with our kids, I calmly helped him through it and moved on. (Go me, I didn't take his mood personally!!) He actually emailed me and apologized. I don't know how to respond. I feel like I'm making progress with him and don't want to ruin it.
